By Jed Diamond
I see more and more midlife males who go from "Mr. Nice Guy" to the "Husband From Hell," seemingly overnight. It was only after years of my own denial that my wife Carlin finally helped me see the change in myself.
Here's how Carlin described her experiences in a letter she wrote to my therapist shortly after I began counseling: "What troubles me most about Jed are his rapid mood changes. He's angry, accusing, argumentative and blaming one moment, and the next moment he is buying me flowers and cards, and leaving me loving notes. He'll change in an hour from looking daggers at me to being all smiles and enthusiasm."
I recognized my shifts in mood, but they seemed justified to me: "Who wouldn't get pissed when you treat me the way you do?" In my mind, it seemed that everyone who was close to me, especially my wife, was going out of their way to irritate me. However, deep inside, I was confused and frightened that I could feel intense love followed by intense rage, with very little provocation.
At times, I felt crazy. At other times, I just felt frustrated with my wife and my life. I always felt very strange. Was I the only guy who felt this way? I thought I was until I read a book by anthropologist David Gilmore called Misogyny: The Male Malady (University of Pennsylvania Press, 2001). Gilmore says, "Men love and hate women simultaneously and in equal measure." He goes on to point out that "most men need women desperately, and most men reject this driving need as both unworthy and dangerous."
Gilmore explores cultures from Western Europe to the Middle East, from the jungles of South America to the remote uplands of New Guinea, from preliterate tribal peoples to modern Americans. He looks at ancient and modern cultures and all those in between. He finds that in all places and in all times, there has been a tendency for men to fear and hate women.
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