By Bob Berkowitz
We've all heard about sexless marriages. Often, the finger gets pointed at the woman.
But what happens when it's the man who stops being physically intimate? And how does the woman respond when her husband, for whatever reason, stops making love with her?
These are some of the questions my wife Susan Yager-Berkowitz and I are pursuing in the book we are writing: "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: When Men Stop Having Sex, and What Women Are Doing About It." It's being published by William Morrow, and will come out in 2008.
The top reason men say they stop having sex with their wives? They are angry at them. More to the point, the guys tell us that they are overly criticized and controlled by their spouses. As one man puts it:
"For my own amusement, I took to counting the seconds between arriving home from work every day and the first negative comment. It was generally significantly less than a minute. I am under absolutely no illusion that I approach perfection as a partner; however, I find it hard to believe that I warrant comment within 60 seconds."
Oftentimes, the anger remains unexpressed. This silent seething has the effect of Novocaine numbing many of the senses, including sexual desire.
Another reason why the men stop desiring their wives is because they no longer find them physically attractive. When we press the men for details, more often than not they tell us that their wives have gained an excessive amount of weight. Not just the few extra pounds that most of us would like to shed, but upward of 80, 90 or 100 pounds.
Both men and women tell us that depression is another big reason for lack of interest. Compounding the problem, some of the more common antidepressants can cause loss of libido or loss of the ability to sexually perform. And one report we found says that antidepressants can have another negative effect on a relationship: diminished interest in connecting emotionally with a partner.
"Too tired," "too stressed," "not enough time" and "overworked" are other major reasons why men are opting out of sex with their partners. But many of these same guys report that they have enough time and energy to watch porn online. In fact, some of the women we interviewed believe that their husbands are addicted to porn. At the very least, many are confused as to why their guys would watch two-dimensional figures on a computer screen when their wives are ready, willing and able to have sex in their bed.
On the other hand, some men who are porn devotees use it as an escape from what they see as they emotional and sexual problems in their marriage. Or as Palo Alto, Calif.-based sex therapist Dr. Janice Epp put it:
"I think it's easier for men today to retreat from sex with a partner because they have this marvelous new sexual tool to soothe them: the Internet. Here are wonderful fantasy partners who don't answer back, criticize, etc. I can't emphasize this enough: Every single man I've seen has turned to the Internet when sexual difficulties with a partner have arisen."
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