But let's say for the sake of argument that you're right, and that some women might lose interest in sex after the wedding because "their needs for companionship and security are met." Couldn't it just as easily be argued that some men's desire for sex might wane early on for the same reasons? And there are many other reasons why a husband may stop being sexual with his wife. Some men, once married, love their wives so much that they experience a fear of abandonment that lovemaking, of course, intensifies. It thus becomes preferable to abstain from partnered sex. Or perhaps after saying "I do," he sees this woman not as his lover but as his wife -- that is, no longer a hot, sexy girlfriend. As one 30-year-old woman told us:
"The minute I became his wife, I feel he stopped seeing me as a sexual being. He told me that wives do not dress in sexy underwear, etc. I am only 30 years old and feel a part of me has died. I believe in the marriage vows, but within a year of marriage I was thinking about divorce, due to the stress of my husband not wanting me."
Other men are unable to be passionate after their first child is born. This is known as the "Madonna/Whore" syndrome, by which the mother of his children is transmogrified into a nonsexual being. A 51-year-old female respondent put it like this:
"As soon as we married, even on the honeymoon, his sexual interest in me plummeted. Once we had kids, it was like he didn't need to have sex with me anymore. Either that was all he wanted from me, or I reminded him too much of 'mother' and made him feel old."
There are a wide variety of things that cause men to lose interest in sex. Depression (or ironically, many antidepressants) can lower libido. A number of high blood pressure medications do the same. Erectile dysfunction may cause a man to stop being sexual for fear of humiliation. And some guys are just plain angry.
The point is, there is absolutely no reason to assume that in a sexless marriage, it is usually the woman's choice to stop being sexual. Loss of libido is an equal opportunity problem, and one that can only be solved by talking and listening to your partner with honesty and compassion.
Bob and Susan are currently co-writing "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: When Men Stop Having Sex, and What Women Are Doing About It," which will be published by William Morrow in 2008. If you are -- or have ever been -- in a sexless marriage or in a committed relationship where the man ended sex, Bob and Susan would love to hear from you. Click here to take their survey.
Have a question for Bob and Susan? Ask it here.
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Bob and Susan advise a woman about her self-image.
Bob discusses why men stop having sex with their wives.
