What seems more alarming is that he has called you a lesbian a couple of times while you are fighting, using the word as a derogatory term. This is both prejudicial and insulting. It is possible that he is afraid that you might prefer a woman, and that you might even leave him for this reason. Or, your play-acting may have triggered a fear in him that he isn't pleasing you in bed, and this has made him angry and insecure. Hence, his use of the word "lesbian" as an epithet. (By the way, women aren't the only ones who have same-sex fantasies. Your fantasy may have triggered a similar one in your boyfriend, except, in his version, it is the two of you and another man. He might even be transferring a fear that he's gay onto you.) Regardless, you need to tell him (again, in no uncertain terms) that he has to cease and desist in this hostile mischaracterization of your, or anyone else's, sexuality.
It is, frankly, extremely puzzling why some innocent play-acting on your part would backfire so completely and seriously. We strongly recommend that you talk about this -- if necessary, with a couple's therapist. It's a shame that he's put you in this place because it seems that, up until now, you not only had a good sex life, but a good relationship. If so, that's definitely worth fighting for.
The lesson here may be that before beginning to engage in fantasy, one needs to be clear that it is only imaginary, and that what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Fantasies should be shared between two partners in their own private little world, and not with anyone else. And, above all, a fantasy revealed should never, ever, be turned into a weapon.
Bob and Susan are currently co-writing "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: When Men Stop Having Sex, and What Women Are Doing About It," which will be published by William Morrow in 2008. If you are -- or have ever been -- in a sexless marriage or in a committed relationship where the man ended sex, Bob and Susan would love to hear from you. Click here to take their survey.
Have a question for Bob and Susan? Ask it here.
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