By Jane Glenn Haas
One of my aunts greeted her first menopausal hot flash by hosting an all-girl party. "I don't have to have sex anymore," she gleefully told the gals.
Her husband, my uncle, did not call the guys together. Instead, he took to drinking scotch on the rocks, starting around 4 p.m. every day.
Auntie eventually joined him in this sunset ritual, creating a new pickle out of her old aversion to coupling.
Not to get into bed with my uncle and aunt, so to speak, but assuming that sex shuts down at middle age is not uncommon among women, says Pepper Schwartz, an expert on relationships and sexuality.
"But it is not in their best interest to close that avenue of their world," she says.
Sex is good for you.
Good for the body. Good for the mind. Good for the soul.
And age has nothing to do with it.
Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington and the relationships and sexuality expert for Perfectmatch.com, showed up on "Oprah" recently to tout the importance of sex at midlife.
"We're designed to be a sexual animal," says Schwartz, whose latest book is "Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love and the Sensual Years" (Collins 2007).
Schwartz, 61, agrees that people 40-plus are having more sex than they used to certainly more than my aunt and uncle.
"But we're not having as much as we should," she says. "After 40, we slow down. We're still a very puritanical nation. Viagra has made a huge difference for older men. But a recent study says only 10 percent got biological help having sex. Now, 10 percent is huge, but it's still only 10 percent."
Viagra may help men perform, but for women, a lot of success finding a sexual partner at midlife depends on the signals they send out, Schwartz says.
"Many women have been hurt and would rather not expose themselves again, or it takes too much effort to initiate a relationship that would probably be boring, so they let it go," she says. "Often women send out signals saying, 'Get near me and I'll punch you.' Instead, they should be signaling, 'Boy, you look good to me,' or, 'I'm a hot babe.' Men react to what women send out."
Online dating is a good way for midlife singles to get back into the game, she says. "It saves you a whole lot of aggravation and humiliation. Both sexes online are willing to cop to being lonely or sexually unsatisfied with their lives. They're looking for something or they wouldn't be there. In some ways, it kind of levels the playing field."
Of course, there's the whole issue of realistic relationships.
"Hollywood has created truly unreal views of sex. A couple looks at each other. Suddenly they're in bed having passionate sex. And their bodies are seamless.
"I think that's created a sense of entitlement about sex that we never used to have. That is to say, I deserve great sex. I see it in the movies, so why not? Women have more independence than their mothers and they're not as scared. Who were our mothers going to think about having sex with? The milkman?"
Not all great sex is outside marriage, Schwartz is quick to add. But too often married couples forget great sex is the outcome, not the beginning, of a relationship.
"You have to start with a foundation," she says. "Don't begin building the house with the roof."
And remember, sex is healthier than scotch on the rocks. More fun, too.
Jane Glenn Haas writes for The Orange County (Calif.) E-mail: jghaas@cox.net.
Source: The Bergen County Record, N.J. Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning. Powered by YellowBrix.
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