QUESTION: I have been with my boyfriend for five-and-a-half years, and we have only had sex six times! He doesn't want to have sex and he acts as if that part of the relationship doesn't exist. We have had fights about it because I get upset, but all he can say is: "I'm not interested; I am not sexually attracted to anybody. Don't push me; it only makes me back away." He went to counseling with me for three sessions, but it didn't work and he still wouldn't talk about it. I do love him, but I would like to have a sex life. I am to the point where I need to make a decision to either break-up or forget about ever having an intimate life. Is there any hope in getting him to understand that sex is a natural part of a relationship, and that we need sex in our relationship?

ANSWER: The answer to your question depends on why your boyfriend has decided to lead a celibate life. There are numerous possibilities. For example, it's possible that he suffers from depression. A depressed person rarely has a high level of sexual desire. In addition, anti-depressants often have a libido lowering effect. If he is taking this type of medication, it is important that he discuss it with his physician, and perhaps get a different prescription. It isn't only antidepressants that may lower the libido; other medications, such as those for high blood pressure, diabetes and even antihistamines may have the same effect, and they should all be a part of the discussion.

Another possibility is that your boyfriend has a fear of performing adequately, and perhaps suffers from erectile dysfunction or rapid ejaculation. Although there are drugs on the market that work effectively in solving these problems most of the time, he may be too embarrassed to discuss this with his physician, therapist or you. Many men are. In fact, only 20 percent of the men who might be helped with the drugs for erectile dysfunction actually get a prescription.

Your boyfriend may also have such a strong fear of intimacy that being sexual with a woman he loves is threatening. As long as he protects himself by withholding sex, he may not be as hurt if you leave, which he believes you eventually must. Sadly, you may, because of this barrier he has set up.

You don't mention your boyfriends age. Testosterone levels peak in adolescence, and decline at about 1 percent a year after that. After the age of around sixty, it is possible that the level is so low that there is very little sex drive remaining. This is a rare condition, but certainly a consideration. If he hasn't been tested by a physician he should be, because there is medication to help here too.

And then there's this: People are all over the place on the sex drive bell curve. Some have very low desire, some very high. Although it may be ideal for low desire people to get together, and high desire people to find each other too, that often doesn't happen. About 1 percent of the population is asexual, that is, they have no level of desire at all.

Not having much of a desire for sex doesn't preclude a desire for love, friendship, and companionship. This may be all your boyfriend wants. He seems to be telling you that, actually, when he says that he's not interested in having sex with anybody. Why not believe he's being honest, especially since sex was never a part of your relationship?

You mention that you briefly tried counseling together, but it didn't help. You might want to try it alone, too. You might get some help understanding why you chose to be in a relationship devoid of physical intimacy, and whether or not you should stay.

We have a new book out: "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex and What You Can Do About It." In it, we go into everything we mentioned in depth, as well as a lot of other possibilities. You may want to read it, and then use the information to have a compassionate conversation with your partner. Tell him that intimacy is very important to you, and you would like to help him solve the problem, or at least you would like to understand.

Visit Bob and Susan's Web site at www.bobandsusanberkowitz.com.

Bob and Susan's current book, "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex and What Women Are Doing About It," was published by William Morrow on December 26, 2007. Click here to order from Amazon.com.

Have a question for Bob and Susan? Ask it here.

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