QUESTION: My husband and I have a hard time talking to each other about personal issues -- mainly what's bothering us about the relationship. Can you give us some tips on how to best communicate about sensitive, and sometimes painful, topics?

ANSWER: It has become the stock answer to all problems marital or otherwise: You have to communicate! Unfortunately, most people interpret that advice to mean "I'm going to tell you what's bothering me about you. I'm doing nothing wrong. I'm perfect, and you're not." This of course is very rarely -- if ever -- the case and it isn't conversation, either. It's firing off artillery, and it's what war is about, not marriage.

So here's the first rule: If you want to have a conversation, be sure that you are ready to listen to your partner's side of the story, and consider what is being said with honesty and empathy. This means that you have to imagine yourself in your partner's situation. As we say in our new book, "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex and What You Can Do About It," (Harper Collins/William Morrow, 2008), you have to do more than just talk. Listening is imperative as well or you will have accomplished nothing. This sounds simple, but it isn't. Even experienced communicators sometimes have a difficult time taking in details they consider unpleasant. They listen, but they don't hear. Or they hear, but they soon forget. It is difficult to comprehend negative things about your own behavior, even if you actually believe they may be justified.

You mentioned discussing sensitive and painful topics, and when emotional things are talked about, strong words generally emerge. That, by the way, is positive. If there is no emotion, there's apathy. Anger, as unpleasant as that may be, is vastly superior to indifference. (We once knew a man who confessed to his wife that he was being unfaithful. His wife replied, honestly, that she was unfaithful too. They didn't yell, they didn't scream, they didn't stop and say a lack of commitment is destroying us and we'd better turn our lives around. They just continued being married, without a harsh word ever spoken, until one day they decided not to be. That is apathy in the extreme.)

However, that kind of indifference is unusual. One of the things we learned from the more than 4,000 people who participated in the survey for our book is that both genders are generally well practiced in the art of finger-pointing with anger. It's rare for an issue in a marriage to be one-sided, and simply blaming the other person without taking stock of how you might also bare responsibility short-circuits the process of finding a solution.

We are firm believers in empathy and compassion -- understanding and appreciating where the other person is coming from. But don't over-identify with your mate's emotional state. We know of another couple who hesitate sharing when they are anxious or depressed, because each is so emotionally aligned to the other that instead of being supportive, the partner becomes anxious or depressed as well. This may be due to narcissism: "You think you're depressed!" or a lack of differentiation. Whatever the reason, it diffuses the situation, and provides no comfort or support.

Most people fear talking about any issue that goes to their partner's emotional Achilles heel -- this isn't what makes for pleasant conversation. For example, a man might be reluctant to tell his wife that she has gained weight. Who can blame him? This is a very serious conversation, with tremendous emotional and physical issues at stake. It would be unusual not to feel trepidation about such a conversation.

But if a woman has gained a significant amount of weight, say, 25 pounds, at some point her partner has got to intervene, and try to find out what is causing this to happen. He might start a conversation by saying something like: "Sweetie, you are beautiful to me, and always will be. However, I am concerned that you seem to be gaining weight, because that can negatively affect your health, and I want to have you around as my wife for a long time." He isn't mentioning her appearance here, just his concern for her well being. He might go on to make some positive suggestions ... perhaps they could work-out together. Maybe they could cook nutritious meals at home together, too. That would allow them to control their caloric intake far better that a restaurant ever would. This also makes it a "we" situation.

However, his wife might counteract by saying "You want me to work out? Try running after a 2-year-old and also taking care of an infant all day, and see how eager you are for the gym. You want to cook? Find the stove and be my guest. Be sure to stop at the supermarket on the way home. And, I might add: 1) "Who's going to watch the kids while we're both at the gym? And 2) I think I look good at this weight."

Clearly, our hypothetical couple's conversation has deteriorated. She's hurt (after all, she knows she's put on some weight, or not lost any after the last baby was born) and is therefore responding with anger. Ideally, she would say (after taking a lot of deep breathes) that caring for their two young children is exhausting, and not always intellectually stimulating, either. Sometimes, comfort food is just that. Perhaps the gym is a good idea; she really would like to lose the weight. Maybe a relative, friend or baby sitter could come in three nights a week for a couple of hours, and they could work out together. Cooking together would be fun too, as long as he goes to the market and helps clean up afterwards. In other words, serious topics tend to produce anger, and that's all right if the anger subsides and leads to solutions and understanding. And remember, once these negotiations are satisfactorily concluded, they have to be maintained. The process is meaningless if this couple returns to "business as usual" and the wife continues to gain weight instead of maintaining or losing it.

Visit Bob and Susan's Web site at www.bobandsusanberkowitz.com.

Bob and Susan's current book, "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex and What Women Are Doing About It," was published by William Morrow on December 26, 2007. Click here to order from Amazon.com.

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