QUESTION: How do I tell my husband he's a lousy lover? And always was! I love my husband, and until menopause at 48 we had occasional sex, but I never really enjoyed it. (I did have intimate relations with several men before I married, and enjoyed one of them very much.) I'm 56 now and he's 60, and I've lost interest completely. I gave it a shot on vacation and after 20 minutes of foreplay -- where he repeated the same thing over and over -- I got bored and fed up. He accepts that I have no interest, but I know he would like me to. Do I ever dare tell him I never enjoyed sex with him that much? Actually, I don't find either one of sexy anymore, although we still both look pretty good. Several of our friends are not into sex anymore for various reasons, but have good relationships. Is this the norm nowadays?

ANSWER: To answer you last question first, "sexless" marriages, defined as having sex 10 times a year or less, are certainly not "the norm." However, with 20 million American couples falling into this category, it isn't all that uncommon, either. Your friends who have stopped being sexual with their spouses but remain close and have relationships they consider to be functioning well are fine, as long as both partners agree that intimacy will no longer be a part of their lives. Unfortunately, this rarely is the case. It is more likely that the situation is the one you've presented –- one partner chooses to stop being sexual, and the other is unhappy, and probably feels rejected, and/or angry too.

You say that although you experienced some sexual satisfaction with other men, you never really enjoyed intimacy with your husband, whom you love. From what you've described, he may indeed not be very talented or experienced in this area, or, at least, not doing what you would like him to do. Do you know what you would like? Have you ever expressed your desires to him? For example, you mention that after 20 minutes of foreplay, you were "bored and fed up." He's trying to please you, but apparently doesn't have a clue where to begin, so you've got to communicate what you want. You don't need us to tell you that the worst thing for you to do is tell him that you never enjoyed being intimate with him, or that you think he's a "lousy lover." That would be cruel and unfeeling, perhaps even sadistic after all these years. So, those are the thoughts you keep to yourself.

You mention that you had occasional sex before menopause. Realize that it is extremely common for women to lose interest at that time, as hormone levels shift. It is possible that vaginal dryness, thinning of vaginal walls and lack of lubrication occurred, all of which would contribute to a lack of desire. Your gynecologist can suggest some ways for you to overcome these issues.

Since you say that your husband would like to remain sexual, we suggest that you speak with your doctor, and try to overcome any physical issues you may have first. And then we suggest that you try to restore an intimate relationship; it seems unfair and unloving for you to make a unilateral policy of "no sex, we're married."

Having said that, we also think it should be enjoyable for you both. Try to understand what you want, and figure out what isn't working for you. After all, you say that you love this man, and an intimate relationship, at its best, is about expressing that love. Are you hoping for more tenderness, loving words and gestures? Or do you fantasize about specific things that you would like your husband to do? If you're unsure what you want, there are few books better on the subject than the Kama Sutra or The Joy of Sex.

Then, you've got to discuss all this with your partner. Begin by telling him that you love him very much, so much that you understand that he would like more intimacy in the marriage and you want to work out a way to accomplish this. You might say that you haven't felt very sexual after menopause, and that although your libido may not be as strong as his (and he has to understand this), you do want to find a way to bring some passion back into your marriage. This is the time to suggest the things you might enjoy. You could show or read him passages in one of your books, or share some erotic literature or fantasies. Of course, he may have some unfulfilled desires of his own to share with you too, and be sure to ask him about his fantasies. The important thing is to begin a dialog, without accusation or blame. Discuss what each of you would ideally like.

And remember that there is no reason for you to suffer through 20 minutes of boring foreplay. If that seems to be happening, even after the conversation, tell him, kindly, what you would like him to do. You also might try concentrating on pleasing your husband and forgetting about what he's doing wrong –- it just might spice things up for you too.

Visit Bob and Susan's Web site at www.bobandsusanberkowitz.com.

Bob and Susan's current book, "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex and What Women Are Doing About It," was published by William Morrow on December 26, 2007. Click here to order from Amazon.com.

Have a question for Bob and Susan? Ask it here.

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