QUESTION: I live with my boyfriend, who is 25 years old, and never seems to want to have sex. He says it's not me and he says he's not cheating on me. He masturbates, doesn't suffer from erectile dysfunction, and says he is not gay (I have asked him.) He always tells me that he doesn't want our relationship to be based on sex. I get turned down all the time and each time it hurts me more, but I don't know what else to do? Can you help?

ANSWER: We surveyed more than 4000 men and women in sexless relationships for our new book: "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore. When Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It" (HarperCollins/Morrow, January 2008). One of the things that surprised us the most was that 28 percent of the women who responded to our survey said that intimacy ended prior to or in the first year of marriage, and 19 percent claimed that their partners were never interested in sex. Nine percent of the male respondents said that sex ended in the first year of marriage, or earlier.

About one percent of the population is asexual, which means never having sexual desire of any kind, not even fantasies or dreams. But, since you mention that your boyfriend masturbates, he doesn't fall into this category. You also say that he doesn't suffer from ED, and since you know this, we can assume that you have been sexual on occasion. If sex stopped after you moved in together, a clear indication of strong commitment, your boyfriend may have severe intimacy or abandonment issues. If he was "abandoned" by one or both of his parents as a young boy because of death, divorce, mental or physical illness, or truly neglected by desertion, the fear of ever being hurt in this way again may prevent him from being physically close to you now that you are living together. The fact that you stay in spite of this is proof of your love, and reassures him (although he may be wrong) that you'll never leave.

It is also possible that your boyfriend suffers from depression, and if so, sex wouldn't be very high on his to-do list. The same is true of high blood pressure -- it may also lower his libido. In both of these cases, the medications to help these issues often diminish sex drive as well.

If you think either (or both) of these possibilities may be the reason for your sexless relationship, you must discuss them with your partner. But even if they don't seem accurate, you've got to tell him how you feel. Say that you don't want "a relationship based on sex" either –- you want one based on love, mutual respect and shared values. However, he doesn't seem to be hearing your values when you tell him intimacy is important to you and you object to his unilateral decision. Suggest that he see his physician or that he visits a therapist. You might also consider couple's therapy.

We have to wonder why you have been willing to accept a sexless relationship so early in the relationship, during the "honeymoon phase" when both of your hormones should be making intimacy a priority. Sometimes, sexuality is a kind of seesaw, and when one partner becomes more sexual, the other person's passion diminishes. This is another reason why couple's counseling might be valuable for you both.

The important thing is that you deal with these problems now, before years go by and pain becomes anger and resentment. If you can't solve the problem with compassion, conversation and professional help, or if he refuses to cooperate and insists that he doesn't want a sexual relationship, then you'll have to make some difficult choices. He may simply have an extremely low libido. Sex drive can be thought of as a bell curve –- with some people at the high end, most in the middle, and some very low. If sex isn't important to him -- never was and never will be –- only you can decide how important it is to you, and whether or not you want to spend your life without passion.

Visit Bob and Susan's Web site at www.bobandsusanberkowitz.com.

Bob and Susan's current book, "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex and What Women Are Doing About It," was published by William Morrow on December 26, 2007. Click here to order from Amazon.com.

Have a question for Bob and Susan? Ask it here.

Bob and Susan write about the sexless relationship.

Why do men stop having sex with their wives?

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