QUESTION: My husband of 26 years is having a midlife crisis. His behavior has been erratic for the past year. He started a virtual affair with his high school girlfriend from 30 years ago, creating a new e-mail account to relive sexual escapades that happened in the 70's. He also confided to her that she had been the love of his life and he still dreams of her. He visits porn sites when I am not at home. Yet when confronted, he says I do not trust him and acts resentful. I realize he is in a time of crisis, and although he claims to have ended the online affair, I am still very hurt by what happened. I have been to counseling, but he refuses to go. What can I do to regain confidence in this relationship?

ANSWER: You are dismissing your husband's very bad behavior as a "midlife crisis," but realize that you are in a crisis state yourself. Of course you are "still very hurt." When you discovered that he was having a "virtual" affair, and especially when you read that he thinks this other woman had been the love of his life, you experienced a trauma. You have been emotionally abused, and are probably still lurking around his computer when he isn't at home fearfully checking on whether he's visiting porn sites or having another affair. We are glad that you are in counseling. You might also be helped by a support group like Co-Dependents of Sex Addicts, or COSA (www.cosa-recovery.org), which is based on a 12-step-program approach and open to men and women whose lives have been affected by someone else's compulsive sexual behavior.

We aren't suggesting that your husband is a sex addict. Some therapists believe that there is no such condition; others think that the Internet might be the start of an epidemic. We surely don't know enough to make any kind of judgment about your spouse. However, his behavior is causing you tremendous pain, and the first person you have to worry about is yourself. It may be helpful to be in a support group.

There are many reasons why a man may seemingly prefer masturbatory fantasy to real life. Your husband may be starting to feel not as very important as he once was; or simply frightened of no longer being young. Perhaps there are problems at work. He may see his career eroding, and not be sure what to do next. He may feel threatened by someone younger, with a more up to date skill set or point of view. Tracking down his high school girlfriend (who has some serious issues of her own or she wouldn't be crossing over to the cheatin' side of cyberspace) is a way for him not only to feel young again, but to feel important. Realize that there is absolutely no reality here –- these two people haven't seen one another for 30 years and might as well be strangers, except that they feed each others memories of long gone, probably never were, glory days.

Not surprisingly, you don't have a lot of confidence in your relationship, and you ask how to regain it. The problem is, your husband seems to be showing no remorse. He claims you don't trust him, but, of course, why would you? What has he done to earn your trust?

You have to face some serious facts. He has hurt you very much, and is taking no responsibility. On the other hand, you are wasting precious time by spying on his personal cyber life. Do you really want to spend one more minute prying into his unsavory secret existence to see if he visits porn sites? You certainly aren't going to learn to trust him again by continuing to dig through the detritus of his e-mails and Web browser.

Trust is based on respect, honesty, caring and love. He has to earn your trust through communication and hard work. He has to prove to you that he is a changed man, and right now he doesn't seem to be doing that, except to tell you that the online affair is over.

We don't know if you are willing or able to put your relationship on the line, but this is one of the times we recommend it. (Be aware, however, that once you give an ultimatum, there's no turning back.) Tell him that if he wants your marriage to survive, that he must be willing to speak openly and honestly about what happened, either privately, or with a clergy member or therapist. Explain that unless he is willing to explore why he would risk his marriage, track down an old girlfriend, and choose pornography instead of his wife, there seems to be little hope for your future. Be adamant about how hurt you have been, and how you can't share a life with someone you don't trust.

Be aware that if you do go into counseling together, or just have some serious and honest conversations, you may find that he is angry at you for a variety of reasons, and some of those reasons may be valid. Few if any marital problems are completely one sided. This is another reason why we think a counselor would be beneficial. A skilled mediator will prevent an honest discussion from deteriorating into a hurtful argument. If you do go into therapy together, make sure that you choose a therapist well trained in the marital problems that you are having. Do a pre-interview over the phone, and check credentials carefully. One last bit of advice, speak with knowledge. One of the main reasons we wrote our newly released book: "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex and What You Can Do About It" was to enable couples to have compassionate, educated conversation about this type of problem.

Visit Bob and Susan's Web site at www.bobandsusanberkowitz.com.

Bob and Susan's current book, "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex and What Women Are Doing About It," was published by William Morrow on December 26, 2007. Click here to order from Amazon.com.

Have a question for Bob and Susan? Ask it here.

Don't get left behind. Subscribe to the Best of ThirdAge newsletter to get the stories that matter most.