QUESTION: I have lost more than 40 pounds in the past year, and am now size 12 or 14. My husband used to complain that I was too heavy, and although I lost the weight for me, I thought I was doing it for him, too. I feel great at this new weight, but my husband seems to be interfering with my efforts. For example, he complains when I work out, or says that my gym membership (which I pay for and is partially reimbursed by our health insurance plan) is too expensive. He brings home fattening foods, like cookies and ice cream, and gets annoyed that I'm not happy he's "doing something nice." When I cook lower-calorie meals, he complains that there's nothing to eat. (He could lose some weight himself.) To make matters worse, although we used to have sex every few weeks, he has pretty much stopped making love to me. What's going on here?

ANSWER: Congratulations not only on your weight loss, but on your determination to maintain your new weight through diet and exercise. You are doing everything right: eating lower-calorie meals, and working out on a regular basis. You feel better, look better, and have drastically reduced the chance of so many serious problems like heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and several types of cancer. We can't blame you for being mystified that your husband isn't happy for you, as well as proud of his attractive "new" partner.

However, although it is surprising your spouse is reacting in a negative and childish manner, it isn't that unusual. Some people are so rigid that they dislike change of any kind, and some guys prefer their spouses to be overweight, because in their minds an overweight woman is less likely to stray.

Your husband may be concerned that you will now attract a number of male admirers at work, and that he can't compete. He may be terrified that he'll lose you. He also may have liked being the one in better shape. In spite of the fact that he can stand to lose a few pounds himself, he still felt might have felt superior, and now he doesn't. He may even be jealous that you have the confidence and willpower to accomplish something he can't.

However, none of these possible reasons excuse your husband's non-supportive and childish behavior. Tell him that you love him, but you will not tolerate this. You have decided to improve your health by making some significant lifestyle changes. If he doesn't want to join you that's up to him –- but this is how you plan on living your life.

You can't dictate that ice cream or cookies are no longer allowed in the house if he craves them -– that's unfair. But make it clear that he's not "doing something nice" for you. Flowers, theater tickets, a new book you want to read –- those would be examples of "doing something nice." A "gift" of high-calorie food when you're trying to maintain your weight is being either oblivious or cruel.

You also can't make him go to the health club with you, or for that matter, by himself. However, we applaud you for going –- it's one of the best things you can do for yourself and the most effective ways to remain at your new weight. We suggest you point that out to him the next time he complains about the expense. You might also add that working out would be a lot more enjoyable if he did it with you, and that you would enjoy his company.

It is wonderful that you are cooking nutritious, low-calorie meals, but if that type of food is unappealing to him, suggest, in a non combative way, that he prepare his own food. For example, you could say something like: "I enjoy cooking dinner for us, but I have to control the amount of calories I eat to maintain my weight. I can certainly increase the quantity of food if you feel that you don't have enough, but I won't make higher caloric dishes. I think this way of eating is healthier for us both."

The really important thing here is that you both talk about this before his anger spirals out of control. You have got to make him understand that you still love him, and have not lost the weight for anyone but yourself, and he has got to face the fact that he is trying to sabotage your efforts, and try to figure out why.

Our guess is that your sudden emergence as a healthy and attractive woman is making him feel insecure. He may even be withholding sex as a way to punish you for your success. You might benefit from counseling, or speaking to a member of the clergy, because you have a marriage that is in the beginning stages of crisis, and the anger and fear has to be dealt with before it becomes even more destructive.

Visit Bob and Susan's Web site at www.bobandsusanberkowitz.com.

Bob and Susan's current book, "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex and What Women Are Doing About It," was published by William Morrow on December 26, 2007. Click here to order from Amazon.com.

Have a question for Bob and Susan? Ask it here.

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