A Father's Day Greeting for My Penis

As I think about Fathers day, I recall my own father who died ten years ago at the age of 90. I also think about our five children and ten grandchildren and my wife (and ex-wife) who are the mothers of my children. I think about all the fathers and children of the world and the joy as well as the pain that is so much a part of life as the planet continues to heating up. But there is one figure who doesn’t get nearly enough appreciation at this time of year, or at any time of year for that matter. I would like to extend a warm and loving greeting to my penis. Well, not just my penis, but all men’s penises. I mean, where would we be without the penises of the world?

If the first thought that popped into your mind (be honest) was some kind of put-down joke, you’re not alone. Penis jokes are always popular and almost always negative. Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions for them.

God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things. The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.

Some years ago I remember reading Betty Dodson’s book, Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving where she describes female masturbation in such a passionate and caring way. I wondered why we don’t think of our penises in a more positive light. We’ve all heard the terms used to describe male masturbation and they certainly are a long way from self-loving. I mean, think about our attitudes when we talk about: Bashing the candle, Bleeding the weasel, Bopping the baloney, Burping the worm, Choking the chicken, Cranking the shank, Cuffing the carrot, Fisting your mister, Flogging the Log, Jerkin' the gherkin, Pounding your flounder, Pumping the python, Spanking the monkey, Whipping the willy, and Yanking the crank.

As a therapist I’ve come to see that the way men treat themselves is the way we treat the women and children and the planet. Can we really have loving relationships in the world if we don’t have a loving relationship with our penises?

On this father’s day, I want to appreciate my penis for all the pleasure it has brought to me and hopefully some pleasure it has brought to others who have shared sexual joy and passion. I want to appreciate my penis for being able to pee. I remember getting a prostate infection after having a biopsy, not being able to pee, and having to have a catheter inserted. I’ll never take peeing for granted again.

I want to appreciate my penis for being a good friend and companion for 62 years. I miss its sexual vigor of youth but feel blessed that it still works pretty well at this age. I wonder if we’d have a better world if we treated our penises better.

On this Father’s day, if you are the proud owner of a penis, be nice to him. If you are the partner of a man who is the proud owner of a penis, be nice to him too. Maybe we can think of some new names for our interactions with our penises. How about Loving the Lilly or Petting the Pony? After seeing the Vagina Monologues, I thought it would be a good idea if we could hear some positive stories from the Penis world. Perhaps we could call them Cock Tales. So, what do you think friends? What positive things do you have to say about penises today?