Q&A
I've been seeing a man who lives 800 miles away for 3.5 years. So far, things have been good with the usual relationship ups and
I've been seeing a man who lives 800 miles away for 3.5 years. So far, things have been good with the usual relationship ups and downs - we're both in our late 50's. We are even presently negotiating his moving here with me in the Northeast, but we do have one sticky wicket. I am a very spiritual person. I am a Wiccan as was my mother and her mother before her. We are good and wise people albeit different in our approach to religion and God. My boyfriend struggles with my choice of spirituality; he claims to be Christian but is non-practicing. However, he tells me he is afraid of my spiritual path and that he feels it would be hard for us to forge a strong bond based on such differing religious attitudes; otherwise our relationship is well, magical! I think he's just nervous about moving and leaving his family, never having lived anywhere outside the Midwest.
He knew what I practiced when we first met. Still he brings this problem up whenever we get into a tight space; it's a hard one to debate. I even told him I'd be willing to explore other religious paths with him if necessary, even though it's not my preference. I know we love each desperately, but he seems to see this as a problem that is very hard to solve. What can I do?
You seem to be an intelligent and mature woman in love. It sounds as if your relationship has worked well for you both for the past 3-1/2 years. However, it has been long distance, and you likely see each other only on weekends, and possibly not even every one. Now, you want to take it to the next level, which is understandable. But for whatever reason (Christianity versus Wicca, Midwest versus Northeast) your boyfriend doesn't seem ready to do this just yet. Realize that he may simply prefer things the way they are – committed but with a lot of distance between you.
However, you may also be correct when you say that your spiritual path is stopping him from moving forward. You mention that he brings up the "problem" whenever you are having relationship difficulties. It is important that two people in a successful committed relationship share similar core values. That doesn't mean that they have to practice the same religion, but it is positive if they have the same level of spirituality. You seem to be strong in your faith, but say your boyfriend "claims" to be Christian but is "non-practicing." Clearly, your faith sustains and identifies you. One of the first things you wrote was: "I am a very spiritual person." It seems more of an issue to us that you are very religious and spiritual, and he is not.
If you want to go forward, you have to gently educate him about being a Wiccan. It is amazing how little most people know about religions other than their own, especially when they are less than mainstream. You are third generation Wicca, so what seems natural and beautiful to you may need some more explanation to your boyfriend. He may have done some research on the topic, but it is up to you to show him the beauty and goodness in your path, and why you choose to follow it. You might also offer to accompany him to his church.
We strongly recommend that you don't pursue your offer to "explore other religious paths with him if necessary, even though it's not my preference." He probably isn't too interested in any path other than his own, and it doesn't sound as if you are either. If you did decide to change religions, you would resent him in the future.
You also mention that the issue may simply be geographical. Have you suggested that you might move away from your hometown to the Midwest? Since you have been peripatetic, and he has never lived anywhere else, the transition may be easier for you.
We would recommend that you stop "negotiating" his moving in with you at this time. He is putting up too many blockades, suggesting that he isn't ready. Then, begin educating him about your spiritual beliefs, and suggest he educate you about his. He may not embrace your religion, but he must respect it if you are to have a supportive relationship in the future. Also, consider what it would mean in terms of job, finances, and family for you to move west, and for him to move east. The former might make more sense.
But for now, relax and enjoy the freedom that comes from a long distance relationship. It seems to be working in so many ways.
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