Today
Elder Mediation
by Jacqueline Marcell
Posted April 13, 2009 1:01 PM
Posted April 13, 2009 1:01 PM
If I had only known about the effectiveness of Elder Mediation (EM) during the hardest year of my life as a caregiver to my elderly parents, I could have saved myself so much heartache, time and money—and even my own precious health.
For eleven years my challenging elderly father took care of my sweet but ailing mother, calling me long-distance daily to complain about how difficult it was yet refusing my constant pleas to accept help. Every caregiver I hired to help him would call within a few days of my flying back home and sigh in exasperation, “Jacqueline, I’m sorry, I just can’t work with your unreasonable father!”
When my mother nearly died from my father’s inability to continue to care for her, I again flew from Los Angeles to San Francisco, furious with my father, but committed to saving my mother’s life—having no idea that in the process it would nearly cost me my own.
With the knowledge I have now, I would immediately hire an Elder Mediator, a neutral third party trained to de-escalate conflicts and help families resolve complex eldercare issues. They would have been able to evaluate our situation properly, defuse and moderate our disagreements, and guide us through the eldercare maze to the best solutions. A good Elder Mediator would have spotted the subtle beginnings of dementia in my father, which none of the healthcare professionals caught. They spent too little time with him and he was still very crafty and manipulative.
Elder Mediators are familiar with issues such as independence, safety, comfort and well-being—and often mediate arguments over accepting caregivers in the home, giving up the car keys, moving from the family home, estate and guardianship matters, and much more. By teaching families how to communicate respectfully and effectively, and how to listen, issues that have often been swept under the carpet for years can safely emerge for discussion—such as distorted family history, sibling favoritism, medical questions, and financial issues including wills and trusts.
Mediators who work in the relatively new but expanding arena of Elder Mediation report that their work is challenging yet fulfilling. They say at first families are often resistant, doubtful about mediation effectiveness and unwilling to try opportunities suggested to them. However, as a skilled Mediator persists and problems start to get solved, gradually trust and respect for the Mediator increases. And when family bonds get renewed, oftentimes stronger than ever, Mediators report great satisfaction at having prevented a catastrophe by helping to mend a family.
ThirdAge Expert Voice Jacqueline Marcell is the author of Elder Rage, and the host of the radio show, Coping with Caregiving.
Comments (5)
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Posted September 2, 2009 6:35 PM
Dear Jacqueline: I've just finished reading your article about Elder Mediation, and I found it very illuminating. I don't know if we have something like that here in Mexico, but I would love to become an Elder Mediator myself. My mom has Alzheimer Disease and the last 10 years have been a bitter-sweet school for me, specially since my dad died 8 years ago.
Although we have a specially gifted, well-hearted caregiver living with her at my mom's house, I don't live in the same city and it's very difficult for me to talk to my 2 brothers about issues related to my mother, because even though I'm the only one far away, almost all the reponsability falls on me, including the financial issues.
I try to stay positive, go with my children and spend with her all of their holidays, and visit alone 3 times a year; so I can check on her around every 6-9 weeks. Everytime I go, there are repairs to make, walls to re-paint, bills to pay...I know that if I had somebody to help me deal with my brothers, things will be so much easier for all of us. Although I consider we are a loving family, this situations can be very extenuating: feelings and emotions often arouse and communication gets blocked. But at the end, what matters is my mom's wellness, so I just try to do my best. Do you know if there is some place in Mexico where I can find how to become an Elder Mediation? Elderly people is my weakness, and with what I'm experiencing, I think I can be a very good one, and by the way, learn some useful tips for myself. Tanks for reading.
Dear Mike O'shea: It is admirable what you are doing; I think your loving care is the best medicine for you wife. Sometimes we, the kids, don't understand what a parent is going through when his/her loved one is ill: you have all the right to ask for help if you need it, and you have ALL THE RIGHT to receive it. I would love to have my dad still with me, but his heart was not as strong as yours: after living with my mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis for more than 2 years, and looking after her 24/7 during the first steps (aggressiveness, confusion, depression) he had a fatal stroke. Only then, few months after his decease, I began to have a little understanding of what he was living. God bless you, Mike!
Posted April 24, 2009 12:16 AM
Dear Jacqueline: I have read the above about the poor kids that must be caregivers to there parent (s). Please don't think I am saying nasty's about the kids until you read the following
I am a 80 year old male that has been caring for my wife that is 8 years my junior. In 1997 she had the first stroke and that was more a inconvience. Then in 2004 she had a 2nd stroke, much more serious. August this year I will have been her caregiver 24/7 for 5 years or about 1800 days. We have been together daily with one exception when she was hospitalized for 30hours in 2006. Shortly after the 2nd stroke Parikinson's Desease came on. She has been chair bound since. What happens in our house I do. I am so grateful that she can feed her self altho I must prepare her plate. Think of what you do as a woman and I do it. I can never be a grand mother and I don't have female problems. Care for all her personal needs in the bath room or where ever. I love her and find caring for her a joy. Dress her several time a day. Try to keep our spirits up and will laugh at the dumbest things. Is it hard and demaning yes. We attend church weekly and pray. We will be here together until death do us part.
When a woman needs to be acaregiver for her spouse nothing really changes. She just continue as before she became the caregiver. Where the male as a caregiver, he must learn his way of the house such as cooking and such. I still continue the out side work that I did prior. What you do as a wife I do. My wife did quilting and she tells I am her back up on quilting. In the 5 years I don't remmber how much quilting I have done for her. We are tathered by cell phone, thus we need not be in the some room all the time and I can do the shoping or what ever needs done out of the house.
I help and support the kids to some extent. They are out on their own but that does not mean the parent is not still in their life. The one who lives in town is a boy 38 and he helps some, and then again he causes me extra work. So that Mom can see the son I have him over for supper meals and we can eat as a family.
So oh poor me. I love what I am doing and "oh poor me" is just in fun.
So I always find it funny when I read about the kids caring for the elderly parent. Where the elderly parent cares for the kids.
I have had some help come in and they caused me more problems then if I do it myself. The nurses do come by once a week and check on her, other wise I care for her. I guess I can say I am just a crabby old man in his 80's and as independent as can be. I pray that I will continue to have the body and mind to do the caring I have been doing. No spell check and I pray the spelling is correct.
Good bless all the caregivers. Thank you for listening,
Mike O'Shea umickey@midrivers.com
Posted April 24, 2009 12:16 AM
Dear Jacqueline: I have read the above about the poor kids that must be caregivers to there parent (s). Please don't think I am saying nasty's about the kids until you read the following
I am a 80 year old male that has been caring for my wife that is 8 years my junior. In 1997 she had the first stroke and that was more a inconvience. Then in 2004 she had a 2nd stroke, much more serious. August this year I will have been her caregiver 24/7 for 5 years or about 1800 days. We have been together daily with one exception when she was hospitalized for 30hours in 2006. Shortly after the 2nd stroke Parikinson's Desease came on. She has been chair bound since. What happens in our house I do. I am so grateful that she can feed her self altho I must prepare her plate. Think of what you do as a woman and I do it. I can never be a grand mother and I don't have female problems. Care for all her personal needs in the bath room or where ever. I love her and find caring for her a joy. Dress her several time a day. Try to keep our spirits up and will laugh at the dumbest things. Is it hard and demaning yes. We attend church weekly and pray. We will be here together until death do us part.
When a woman needs to be acaregiver for her spouse nothing really changes. She just continue as before she became the caregiver. Where the male as a caregiver, he must learn his way of the house such as cooking and such. I still continue the out side work that I did prior. What you do as a wife I do. My wife did quilting and she tells I am her back up on quilting. In the 5 years I don't remmber how much quilting I have done for her. We are tathered by cell phone, thus we need not be in the some room all the time and I can do the shoping or what ever needs done out of the house.
I help and support the kids to some extent. They are out on their own but that does not mean the parent is not still in their life. The one who lives in town is a boy 38 and he helps some, and then again he causes me extra work. So that Mom can see the son I have him over for supper meals and we can eat as a family.
So oh poor me. I love what I am doing and "oh poor me" is just in fun.
So I always find it funny when I read about the kids caring for the elderly parent. Where the elderly parent cares for the kids.
I have had some help come in and they caused me more problems then if I do it myself. The nurses do come by once a week and check on her, other wise I care for her. I guess I can say I am just a crabby old man in his 80's and as independent as can be. I pray that I will continue to have the body and mind to do the caring I have been doing. No spell check and I pray the spelling is correct.
Good bless all the caregivers. Thank you for listening,
Mike O'Shea umickey@midrivers.com
Posted April 23, 2009 12:23 PM
Jacqueline...Thank you for showcasing your story and recommendation for Elder Mediation. Someone posted a question on your blog re: sibling conflict over care of a father with dementia. The answer is, Yes! A mediator who specializes in elder care issues is well equipped to handle the conflicts that often arise in terms of guardianship, residential care of levels of care, end-of-life decisions and so much more. Families can do a search on-line by state for elder mediators and they can educate themselves about EM by searching on Amazon Books. We've learned in our mediation and conflict resolution work that conflict is not the problem-- not having the communication tools to deal with conflict is the problem. There is so much help available. I hope that your EM feature article gives families the confidence to reach out to a mediator for help. Patti Bertschler, PCC, Licensed Counselor, Mediator, author, Northcoast Conflict Solutions, Seven Hills, OH
Posted April 15, 2009 8:47 PM
Can the Elder Mediator be used to mediate between family members to take care of a parent with dementia/Alzheimers? Currently we are having problems between the older and younger siblings in making decisions on taking care of our father.
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