Elder Mediation

If I had only known about the effectiveness of Elder Mediation (EM) during the hardest year of my life as a caregiver to my elderly parents, I could have saved myself so much heartache, time and money—and even my own precious health.

For eleven years my challenging elderly father took care of my sweet but ailing mother, calling me long-distance daily to complain about how difficult it was yet refusing my constant pleas to accept help. Every caregiver I hired to help him would call within a few days of my flying back home and sigh in exasperation, “Jacqueline, I’m sorry, I just can’t work with your unreasonable father!”

When my mother nearly died from my father’s inability to continue to care for her, I again flew from Los Angeles to San Francisco, furious with my father, but committed to saving my mother’s life—having no idea that in the process it would nearly cost me my own.

With the knowledge I have now, I would immediately hire an Elder Mediator, a neutral third party trained to de-escalate conflicts and help families resolve complex eldercare issues. They would have been able to evaluate our situation properly, defuse and moderate our disagreements, and guide us through the eldercare maze to the best solutions. A good Elder Mediator would have spotted the subtle beginnings of dementia in my father, which none of the healthcare professionals caught. They spent too little time with him and he was still very crafty and manipulative.

Elder Mediators are familiar with issues such as independence, safety, comfort and well-being—and often mediate arguments over accepting caregivers in the home, giving up the car keys, moving from the family home, estate and guardianship matters, and much more. By teaching families how to communicate respectfully and effectively, and how to listen, issues that have often been swept under the carpet for years can safely emerge for discussion—such as distorted family history, sibling favoritism, medical questions, and financial issues including wills and trusts.

Mediators who work in the relatively new but expanding arena of Elder Mediation report that their work is challenging yet fulfilling. They say at first families are often resistant, doubtful about mediation effectiveness and unwilling to try opportunities suggested to them. However, as a skilled Mediator persists and problems start to get solved, gradually trust and respect for the Mediator increases. And when family bonds get renewed, oftentimes stronger than ever, Mediators report great satisfaction at having prevented a catastrophe by helping to mend a family.

ThirdAge Expert Voice Jacqueline Marcell is the author of Elder Rage, and the host of the radio show, Coping with Caregiving.