Take One for the Team

I have a confession to make. And I must honestly admit that I wouldn't make this confession if it weren't for the fact that there was an important lesson that I want to share with you. So, based on the greater good, here goes: I watch "Desperate Housewives."

What do I get out of it? Nothing -- except pure mindless relaxation. That was until last night's episode where a particular lesson was offered. And then, today, a client came in and we were working on an issue. As I tried to explain my point to him, it reminded me of last night's show. That convinced me to communicate my insight with you as well.

The show

In "Desperate Housewives," a handyman is hired by a couple. The handyman, being older and traditional, does not just take the wife's decisions as his instructions but double checks everything with her husband. This infuriates her and she fires him but not before he lets her know how castrating she is.

In a later scene, the husband was going to take out chicken for dinner but his wife tells him to defrost hamburgers instead; he readily agrees. He then approaches the handyman and explains that when his wife was a little girl, her father left, and her whole world fell apart. As a result, the only way she feels safe is to control everything, including him. And so ... knowing this, he lets her. He feels that as a loving husband it is his job to help his wife feel safe.

Now, I know that this is TV and this man had writers helping him along. But it got me thinking. Isn't that what our relationships are supposed to be about? Isn't that just an extension of what I've been discussing in the articles about attachment?

The reality

My client, today, was discussing two main issues. One is that because he is basically retired and spends a great deal of time with his spouse, he doesn't find anything wrong with also taking periodic trips with the guys. Though he lets her know before he does it, he doesn't include her in on his thinking process. I encouraged him to consider thinking like a team. In doing so, you wouldn't make a play at the last moment without your team knowing what you were planning on doing.

Additionally, he was telling me that his wife is sensitive and keeps asking for reassurances of how he feels about her. In his mind, there's nothing more important than her. Key phrase: "in his mind." So, embarrassed as I was, I confessed to him also that I indulge in "Desperate Housewives" and shared the same scenes I talk about here.

He got it! As her husband, it's part of my responsibility to make her feel safe -- "And if letting her know that she's important to me will do that, then that's what I should do."

As simplistic as this may sound, your partnership is the basic unit. It is the two of you. And although it is just two, you two are the team. This does not mean that you are being controlled by the other. Consider the analogy of playing a good set of doubles in tennis. As a good teammate, you are accountable to one another and must consider one another.

Will my client actually orchestrate the changes he indicated to me? I can't say for sure -- after all, I'm not a director on a set. But I do know that if all of us, myself included, were more mindful of helping our partners feel emotionally safe, all of our relationships would fare much better.

PS - Apologies to those of you who love "Desperate Housewives" :)

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