KarenSherman

Finding the Help to Improve Your Relationship

I teach undergraduate Intro Psychology and when I get to the chapter on Abnormal Psychology, I do an exercise with the students to introduce it.  I ask them to tell me all the different names they call those people with emotional concerns.  You can well imagine what some of them are.  The purpose of the exercise is to point out the stigma we have and the consequential discomfort many feel in seeking help. Though it saddens me as well as frustrates me, I realize that people do not call me for therapy unless they are at their wits end.  This seems to be especially true for couples.  Speaking stereotypically, many times the women in the partnership have realized that there’s a problem and have made attempts to address them.  These attempts might include reading blogs like this one to buying relationship self-help books to trying to have discussions.  And usually, it’s not until things have gotten to the brink of the relationship ending, that a man will agree to come for help.  Perhaps, this falls under the umbrella that most men function with -- “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” (Of course, it does take a male longer to process and he hasn’t realized that the relationship has been broke.) More…

You Can't Outlaw the In-Law Relationship, Part II

In last week’s posting, I discussed the often thorny situation between a couple and the extended family.  So often the subject of comedic movies and stand-up comedy routines, the relationship with in-laws can, in fact, be quite difficult.  But just as I have learned in my 25 years of private practice that there are two sides to every couple story, there is also the two perspectives of the in-law story.  Being an in-law, myself, I am very sensitive to this matter.  So, in today’s blog, I want to offer some compassion and tips to the other side. Some of the problems More…

You Can't Outlaw the In-law Relationship, Part I

As a relationship expert, I think that I would say that the biggest challenge when you get together as a couple is trying to bridge the differences between the two of you.  As I’ve stated previously, the two of you can be the same race, the same religion, and even from the same neighborhood, but you’re still going to have differences because you’ve been raised in different families.  Too often after the “love goggles” come off, disappointment sets in because you don’t do things the same way.  What’s even worse is thinking that your partner doesn’t care when truly it’s nothing more than a stylistic difference. Most of my blogs have been devoted to the actual couple.  Though many romantic fantasies would have you believe that when a couple is in love it will all work out, it’s just not true -- as I’ve indicated in past writings, there are lots of skills to be learned if a couple is to have solid relationship. In today’s posting, I want to uncover another myth: that you marry (or are only involved) with your partner.  In reality, your significant other comes with significant others known as their family.  And therein lays a lot of stress.  There’s a reason that the in-laws are often referred to as the “out-laws.” More…

The Flipside Perspective of a Relationship

Today I’d like to discuss a different kind of relationship -- yet one that is very important and one that no doubt creates both some of the greatest joys as well as the depths of frustration and bewilderment.  It is the relationship you have with your children. So often, I’ve made reference to how, as adults, you have struggled because of what has happened to you as a child.  A good deal of my work is helping adults come to terms with their past and understanding the “messages” they got as a child -- learning to shed the negativity that was attached to them. The ups and downs of parenting But on this day especially I want to talk about how it feels on the parental side of the coin.  I truly do believe that each parent does try to do the very best job he or she can.  You want the best for your child.  Aside from the basic nurturing and caretaking, you try to teach your child values that will allow him or her to grow up and make him or her prepared to live life. More…

Relationship Danger Zone

In so many posts, I have written about the differences between the genders.  And I do honestly believe that many of them are biologically based.  As a relationship expert, I very much appreciate the difference in styles and always work to help partners bridge these variations.  In this blog, I want to talk about a particular difference -- I’m not sure if it is biological or not -- but I do know that it is one that I consider to be a dangerous difference in styles; dangerous that is to the relationship continuing. More…

The Emotional Paradox in Relationships

I’d like to point out to you an odd paradox that struck me this week as a result of a session I did with one of my clients.  What I then realized is that this exists with so many people with whom I work.  You get involved with a partner with the hope that it will be, by and large, emotionally gratifying.  But these very same emotions can be what will kill, to a greater or lesser degree, your relationship! A true story Bob and Carol (not their real names) have been in one of the most tangled marriages I have seen.  They are constantly fighting and it gets really nasty at times.  And yet, consistently, every time the dust settles, they want to work it out.  By the way, they’ve got three kids. I’m a therapist who really works hard at helping couples stay together.  There’s just so much research that points to the benefits of marriage and to the negative impacts on children of divorce.  There’s even research that indicates that after five years, an unhappy couple who stays together will have weathered the problem and be fine! My one rule when I’m working either with a couple (or an individual) is that you have to want to work.  Without that motivation, therapy can’t perform magic.  So every time Bob and Carol came in and said they really were choosing to stay together, we went to work.  Aside from the usual skills I employ when doing couples’ work (I do think that’s the preferred technique), both Bob and Carol each had a lot of individual issues from their past.  For Carol it was based around not feeling loved or cared about; for Bob it was a sense that he wasn’t good enough.  So, these issues were addressed and weaved in to the couple work.  Progress was made but rarely held.  Sadly and unfortunately, when things didn’t hold (which was frequently), their fights would really get out of hand. Remember I said that I really try to keep couples together.  There are exceptions.  One is when a relationship starts to become abusive or toxic.  This type of situation is no longer for the good of the children.  I regretfully told them that I did think they should part ways. More…

Relationship Saver: Don't Pick Up the Rope

At the risk of being overly obvious, in a relationship, there are two of you.  And yet, when there are problems in a relationship, it is all too common that one person will blame the other without looking at what part he or she played in the situation. I very much subscribe to the principle that Action = Reaction.  What I suggest to a lot of people with whom I work is that if you want to change your relationship, you don’t have to wait for the other person to change.  Rather, take a positive step yourself and it is very likely that your partner will respond in kind.  The problem is that most people become defensive because they are so hurt and/or angry that they wait for their partner to take the first step.  But the partner is doing the same thing.  Of course, you see where this goes -- nowhere! (By the way, my new website, www.ChoiceRelationships.com offers a free 3-week program based on the Action = Reaction principle.  I truly believe if you follow it, you will see a difference in your relationship.  Go on over and take a look!) More…

Mind Reading in Your Relationship

Being a relationship expert, I’m a big advocate of couples learning how to communicate well with one another.  I also work hard to dispel the myths that couples have about the expectations for their relationships since this only leads to disappointments.  One of these myths is the belief that if you’ve been with your partner for a while, he or she really gets to know you.  As a matter of fact, he or she will get to know you so well, that you shouldn’t have to say exactly what you want or need.  Basically, you are expecting your partner to be a mind reader.  As romantic a notion as that might be, it’s just not likely to occur.  And I might be as bold to say that it’s just not fair -- not you’re your partner, not to you. More…

Till Death Do Us Part

In light of the recent news, especially since I am a New Yorker, I felt I could not ignore the subject of Eliot Spitzer’s actions.  Though, clearly, he is not someone who stands alone -- many other high profile people have stood in his shoes. More…

Don't Be Held Back by Your Fears

One of the great “Catch-22s” of being human is that you have emotions.  Clearly, to be able to experience feelings like joy, happiness, and wonderment is truly very special.  And when you can also share these with another person, the enjoyment of whatever emotion you are experiencing is that much more satisfying.  But, then there is the down side of having emotions -- when you feel ones that are negative and painful. The other problem with emotions is that they can be intense and out-of-control; much of your behavior, when influenced by emotions, can be impulsive rather than well thought out.  Truly, when you are “possessed” by a strong emotional reaction, it’s very hard for you to think or react logically. More…