SusanAnderson

Heartache Is the Itch You Can't Scratch

  This week, the theme seems to be the durability of the abandonment wound.  People write to me that it feels as if they will never get over “him” or “her.”  Some have been “hurting” for over 10 years – and these folks judge themselves (and so do their friends) as being pathological for remaining stuck in the muck for so long.  Well, it’s not pathological, it’s the way we are built as attachment mammals.  The key is to give your “mammalian brain” (or limbic brain) someone new to focus on.  Otherwise, it will keep searching for its lost object, even if that person has been gone for 10 years.  More…

What Is It About Holidays That Tug at Our Abandonment Strings?

Maybe it's the smells. A few whiffs of cinnamon, butter cooking, turkeys roasting, chocolate melting, and pine needles and we are brought right back to earlier times -- times when we were nestled into our families and their traditions. The holidays are just around the corner and soon we will be inundated by those familiar tastes, smells, sounds and sights that tug at our heartstrings. This helps to enhance the spirit for the folks who are happily tucked in with their mates and families.  But for those of us who are alone, the holidays can arouse a sense of longing for deep connection.  This can inspire creative change or trigger a kind of seasonal depression. More…

If I Keep Freaking Out, Does It Mean I’m Not Ready?

This question is asked by as many men as women.  My answer seems controversial to a lot of folks.  I say, No, just because you’re going through a lot of insecurity when you attempt a new relationship, is not proof by itself that you’re not ready.  If fact, it could come from having avoided relationships too long (and you’ve built up more fear and awkwardness in the meantime). More…

How to Tend Your Own Wound

The biggest turning point of my life came the day I realized that adults cannot be abandoned, they can only abandon themselves.  The love of my life, my best friend, my marital partner of almost 20 years had just abandoned me to be with another woman (out of the blue and without warning) and I was shattered.  I was in pain, terrified of the future, and drowning in self-doubt.  But all of this torment was inflicted by self-abandonment.  I was an adult, I realized, and I could not be abandoned because I could take care of myself.  Even emotionally?  Yes, I had no other choice.   More…

Good Riddance to Separation Anxiety!

Someone wrote in and asked, “Is separation anxiety related to abandonment?”   “Oh yes,” I resounded.  Separation anxiety is the basis for all emotional distress – anxiety, depression, insecurity-in-relationships, fear-of-loss.  Abandonment feelings trigger separation anxiety and separation anxiety trigger abandonment feelings. Let’s say you walk into a restaurant with your friends and you suddenly see your husband sitting at a table with another woman.  Your heart starts to pound as if you had just seen as bear!  This “panic” is separation anxiety. More…

Trying to Take Back Control of your Life?

  So many people are in relationships where they have given their power away.  Two Scenarios:  One: You’ve been abandoned and you’ve given all of your power to the abandoner.  Your life rests on whether they call, whether they don’t call.  You impotently wait and hope for them to come back, because only their return can take your pain away.  Why?  Because you have given them your power.  One person put it this way:  “My abandoner walked away with all of the gold.  I need to get it back.”     Two: You’re current relationship doesn’t feel mutual.  Your partner tends to withhold love, putting you in the “emotional beggar” role. More…

The More They Hurt You the More They Hook You

Why is that?  Why is it that the more they hurt you, the deeper in goes the hook?  It’s a demoralizing dilemma to be in.  A lot of you wrote about it this week.  One person sent this message:  “I feel like a fool.  I should hate him [her husband] for all of the sneaking around with ___ [the other woman], but all I want is to lie next to him and have him put his arms around me.  I keep begging him to stay, not to leave me.  I’ve become pathetic. I don’t blame him for not loving me”  More…

Can't Let Go of a Bad Relationship?

Do you know someone who stays in a bad relationship?  What hooks them?  The standard answer is that they don’t feel good enough about themselves.  They don’t feel they deserve better.  Their have a low sense of entitlement.  While self esteem is certainly a factor, many of these people started out feeling much better about themselves than they do now.  Being constantly criticized, rejected, neglected, or abused eventually pays its toll.  The low self-worth you see is not always the CAUSE of their being unable to leave, but the RESULT of having been treated this way.  Once they feel low about themselves, they lose the strength to get out.  But there is more to it.  They have become traumatically bonded.  More…

Guilt Loves to Turn the Tables

This week the theme of the messages I receive has been GUILT – not FEELING GUILTY, but feeling the brunt of someone else’s DISOWNED GUILT.  An example:  According to Sarah, her boyfriend treats her badly.  He makes promises, but doesn’t show up.  Then he showers her with passion, only to go online and talk with other women.  When she catches him, he tells her it’s because she has been cold and angry lately.  Sometimes he invites Sarah over to his place to spend the evening, More…

PROFILE OF AN ABANDONER

  I usually don’t like to stereotype, but I can’t help but wonder if “abandoners” can be identified, stamped, and catalogued.  Someone suffering through an abandonment – after being left by someone s/he loves – spends a great deal of time analyzing the abandoner. It’s called obsession.  It’s the mind’s attempt to “understand” what has caused the dense tissues of one’s love-attachment to rip apart.  So we “study” the abandoner’s putative “pathologies” and character traits – searching for clues is an effort to feel sane again. So, based upon hundreds of emails filled with such obsessive analysis, not to mention my own personal experiences, I have tried to come up with a profile of an abandoner.  More…