SusanAnderson

Am I still Attracted to the Unavailable?

Someone writing to my Forum on Thirdage described a dilemma that is very common. You finally realize that you’ve always been attracted to the wrong type of people, and now you’re attracted to a new person.  The bind:  Am I still in the pattern or is this one new? More…

Just Which One Is the Abandoner?

I’m a therapist, a family member, and a friend, but no matter which role one I’m in, I tend to empathize with the abandonee.  That is, the person who received the slight. The one who WASN’T invited to the special party. The one who did a great job but got fired.  The loving partner left for another.  Even as a kid, I rooted for the underdog.  If I watched football on television, I got hoarse cheering for the losing team, unless they’d begin to win, and then I’d feel badly for the other team.  It’s something deep in-the-bone in me, borne no doubt of my early experiences, and groomed me to become a specialist in abandonment. More…

Separate Self Versus Symbiotic Self!

I’m trying to throw things out – I’ve  collected thousands of pages of my writing over the years.  Can’t I just junk it? Well, I’m trying, but a page stared back at me from the garbage pile – over a decade old.  I had written it right after my marital partner (best friend, lover, soul mate) of 18 years suddenly, and without warning, up and left me for another woman.  It the midst of emotional torment so intense I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get through it, I wrote a prose-poem about the struggle between my symbiotic self and separate self.  I felt as if he had flayed my heart, or at least severed the aorta.  While it seemed that I was bleeding to death of heartbreak, I realized, somehow, that I was an adult who could stand on my own two feet even under such dire circumstances. My symbiotic self was shattered, but my separate self somehow sent out a peace signal. More…

Friend Recently Widowed – What to Say

Someone who has recently lost his or her partner is in survival mode. You can’t tell by looking at them what they are going through.  After a few months have passed, they might look as if they are doing okay – at least on the outside.  So you’re not sure what to say.  It’s best to just ask questions so that you can show them how genuinely interested you are in understanding what they are going through and in meeting them at that emotional place, if they would like you to.  Don’t expect clear answers.  People going through widowhood aren’t always sure what they are feeling or what they are needing.  They may need lots of company one minute and to be left alone the next. They may want sympathy and yet not be pitied. More…

Rag on Rebound Relationships

I agree with the people who disagreed with me in my last blog entitled ‘Riding High on the Rebound.’ They emphasize the need to get to know yourself first and give yourself time to learn the lessons of the previous relationship.  They suggest that there is nothing wrong with being alone.  Alone does not mean lonely.  Being alone offers a tremendous growth experience.  The important thing is to take responsibility for your own emotional reactions and needs, rather than lay them at the feet of your new love interest.   I couldn’t agree more. My concern is and was that there are some folks out there who think they have to wait until they are no longer anxious around potential significant others before attempting to actually reach out to make new connections.  They think that if they feel vulnerable it means that they are still “unhealed” and therefore not ready.    The truth is that for many abandonment survivors, no matter how long they wait, they will have fearful, vulnerable feelings when they attempt new connections.  This is because, as I said in my previous blog, FEAR, rather than dissipate, tends to incubate over time.  Abandonment is a trauma and feeling anxious (indefinitely) when you are around a love-object is a symptom of post trauma. More…

Riding High on the Rebound

Being on the rebound can be healing. Self help wisdom isn’t inline with this idea.  Its consensus is that after having experienced a painful breakup, you should wait until you’re healed to start a new relationship.  It goes on to suggest that if you become an emotional wreck during the early trials of a new relationship – i.e. if you feel insecure and tend to overreact if s/he doesn’t call exactly on time – that your heightened vulnerability is proof that you’re not ready.  Wrong.  If you waited 10 years or even 20 to start the next relationship, you might have to struggle with the same feelings.  Why?  Because time doesn’t heal the fear stored up inside of you from going through abandonment.  Instead, according to scientific research, fear incubates over time.  It’s the nature of trauma and the post traumatic reaction that most people get when they’ve suffered abandonment.    Fear incubates over time?  Does that mean that by waiting to make a new connection, your apprehensiveness can get worse?  Yes, that’s what it means.  More…

Don't Fight the Feelings!

Feelings are the keys to recovery. When I’m not seeing therapy clients or writing, I go around the country promoting abandonment recovery.  Next month, I’ll be giving a 3-day at Kripalu Institute in Lenox, Mass.  More…

Where Did My Self-Doubt Come From?

Abandonment vs. the Self Some people want to understand why:  Why do they doubt themselves?  Why is their self-esteem eroded?  Why does it hurt so much to be abandoned?  To not be accepted?  To feel slighted by a friend?  How did this vulnerability set in?  What caused it?  What keeps it going? The simple answer is “unresolved abandonment,” but to really understand the whys and wherefores, we have to go back – all the way back to the primal fear of abandonment. More…

What Makes Me Unhappy?

Contrast.  If you feel a negative contrast between what you experienced in the past and what you are experiencing now, you feel the short-fall as “unhappiness,” “loss of energy,” or “depression.”  At first after Paul died, the contrast was nearly unbearable.  I had been accustomed to intense connection and constant affection.  We spent every spare minute enjoying each other’s closeness – just being together. He had been sick for a year prior and I had always been busy administering to his medical and personal needs, all of which gave my life a sense of purpose, meaning, and focus.  It was all about being in love.  More…

Alone Anybody?

Do you know anybody who is alone? As many of you know, I’ve been recently widowed (see my home page on www.abandonment.net) and for the first time in my life, I’m alone – not just physically, but emotionally. Oh I have family – children who live away, etc. – and loving caring friends.  But I don’t have that “one special person” who fills an empty space in my life.  More…