Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz

I have been in a relationship with a man for 3 1/2 years. At the same time he started dating me, he also started dating another woman, and over the years he has continued to have a relationship with the two of us. He says he loves us both and doesn’t want to give up either of us. We are all divorced after long marriages, and are intelligent, educated and successful professionals. We all hate the situation, including him! The other woman and I share equal time as if it was a custody arrangement, and have NEVER seen each other at the same time and never will. Neither of us dates anyone else. This is making all of us depressed, angry and sad, but we don’t seem to be able to stop. Have you had experience with any similar relationships? Do you have any advice?

I have been in a relationship with a man for 3-1/2 years. At the same time he started dating me, he also started dating another woman, and over the years he has continued to have a relationship with the two of us. He says he loves us both and doesn’t want to give up either of us. We are all divorced after long marriages, and are intelligent, educated and successful professionals. We all hate the situation, including him! The other woman and I share equal time as if it was a custody arrangement, and have NEVER seen each other at the same time and never will. Neither of us dates anyone else. This is making all of us depressed, angry and sad, but we don’t seem to be able to stop. Have you had experience with any similar relationships? Do you have any advice?

You've written that according to your research, the number one reason men give for not having sex with their wives is: "She's not sexually adventurous enough." What do they men mean by that? And don't women have legitimate complaints of that nature too?

I've been seeing a man who lives 800 miles away for 3.5 years. So far, things have been good with the usual relationship ups and downs - we're both in our late 50's. We are even presently negotiating his moving here with me in the Northeast, but we do have one sticky wicket. I am a very spiritual person. I am a Wiccan as was my mother and her mother before her. We are good and wise people albeit different in our approach to religion and God. My boyfriend struggles with my choice of spirituality; he claims to be Christian but is non-practicing. However, he tells me he is afraid of my spiritual path and that he feels it would be hard for us to forge a strong bond based on such differing religious attitudes; otherwise our relationship is well, magical! I think he's just nervous about moving and leaving his family, never having lived anywhere outside the Midwest.

He knew what I practiced when we first met. Still he brings this problem up whenever we get into a tight space; it's a hard one to debate. I even told him I'd be willing to explore other religious paths with him if necessary, even though it's not my preference. I know we love each desperately, but he seems to see this as a problem that is very hard to solve. What can I do?

I am 60 and my husband is 64 and we have been married for 5 years. We no longer have sex because my husband carries on with other women. By that I mean he has “friends” that he talks to sexually -- 95% sexually explicit -- over the phone. I am not saying he pays for phone sex; these are women whom he has known longer than me.

When I explained to him how much these conversations hurt me, his comment was: “You just don't understand my friendship with these women.” He is not physically intimate with any of them but to me it is still infidelity.

I have gone to counseling. (He will not go so I went without him.) He says I am all he could want and treats me wonderfully in every other aspect of our marriage. I have completely withdrawn from intimacy, and am very depressed. My question is: Why does he do this?

I have recently been reading about a couple in their 40s who made love for 101 nights in a row [the story is recounted in Just Do It, by Douglas Brown]. This was disconcerting, since my husband and I only have sex about once every two weeks. Should I be concerned?

My wife has not wanted any sex for at least the past three years. She will not kiss, touch or feel. Any discussion of the subject brings a quick response such as, "That's all you ever think about."
For most of our years together, our love life was OK -- not great but OK. Now there just isn't any. We have had marriage counseling three times, but she refused to get personal counseling. She does get her yearly pap smear and mammogram, and there doesn't seem to be a physical problem -- she takes no medication at all, has never had any surgery, and she is usually lubricated easily. But she refuses to talk about this with a doctor. My libido is still good, but I am reduced to masturbation, which is not fulfilling. Yesterday she asked me that if I was so unhappy, why I didn't get a divorce. This could break us up. Any ideas?

Men and Fidelity

There has been a lot in the news recently about men and infidelity. Why would a (seemingly happily) married man, like Governor Spitzer go to a prostitute when the consequences of being found out are so enormous? Or, to put it another way, even a man not in the public eye risks losing his family, reputation and job if found out. Why is that risk taken?

I recently read your article about why men stop having sex with their wives. One reason that you didn't mention is that men get tired of being the instigator. Granted, there are men outside the norm who lose interest themselves, but I would venture to guess that oftentimes men are waiting for their wives to initiate the intimacy (i.e., "Let's see how long it takes her to ask me for sex"). Otherwise, the woman complains about being woken up, about missing Letterman, etc. To me, it's not worth it. I'll let her come to me. Or am I the only man facing such a problem?