Needless to say, your children will not immediately relish the idea that you've decided to take your marriage back. Who can blame them? I am not talking about neglecting one's children -- although they may think so at first -- but about creating a balanced family life that allows for a marital relationship to prosper. Deciding to take your child out of traveling soccer because the toll is too great on family and couple time will not win you a popularity contest with your child and may bring criticism from other parents. Yet getting a handle on children's outside activities is essential for creating family balance, which in turn is essential for a marriage to flourish.
Starting bedtime routines for your disgruntled children will take perseverance as well. Telling your junior high-schooler that you are available to help with homework only until 8:30 p.m., and that you are off duty afterwards, will at first seem selfish to your child. Telling your daughter that you and her stepfather are going away for the weekend and that you will get someone to drive her to her soccer game will elicit protests, along with opposition from other soccer parents who will think you are neglecting your daughter by not appearing on the sidelines.
If your children have learned that their desire for attention always trumps your marriage, be patient with their complaints as you make the shift. Tell them why you are asking them to take what feels like second place for a period of time. Tell them you need time as a couple to make sure your marriage stays strong. Don't apologize for creating more balance. Don't backtrack when they resist, but make reasonable compromises: Have a time for the bedroom door to be closed but not necessarily for lights to be out, let your child play on the non-travel soccer team, or promise your 5-year-old that you will read a book to her every night before your couple time. Eventually, they will come to value the shift in the family environment. And if you start when your children are young, they will accept the need for family balance from the beginning. Follow these guidelines:
Remind yourself repeatedly that your children are apt to be better fighters for their needs -- nature has programmed them to be good at getting our attention -- than you and your mate are at fighting for the needs of your marriage. You've got to lean toward your marriage in order to have balance between your marriage and your children. Limit your family's outside activities so you have two rare elements for today's families: time to hang out as a family and time to hang out as a couple. Have fixed bedtimes for your children, after which you are off duty and can be alone as a couple. Don't let your children interrupt every conversation you have. If you really want to finish something, or if one of you needs a supportive listener, feel free to politely ask your children to come back after you have finished talking. And teach them to ask if they can interrupt. For some important couple conversations, tell your children that you are going to your bedroom to talk and that you would like them not to interrupt you unless something important happens, such as someone being hurt. Limit the amount of time you devote to your children's homework every night. Teachers complain that some well-educated parents do not let their children learn on their own. Unless your child has special learning problems, do not routinely devote your whole evenings to being a tutor, in part because you will have no time to hang out with your spouse.
Carve out private time for yourselves as a couple. Even a 15-minute period is wonderful if you do it every day. This might be over coffee after dinner, as my wife and I have done, or after putting the children to bed. When your children are old enough, you can go for an after-dinner walk around the neighborhood. Carve out private space. Consider letting your children know that your bedroom is private when your door is closed and that they should knock. This sends the message that there are certain marital things that children do not share in without checking. Get sitters and go out on regular dates. This is not only good for your relationship, but it also sends your children the message that you are a couple who do special things together: You dress up, look great, and go out for a good time together. Even if they protest, even young children can handle a few hours of separation from their parents. Older children may be glad to be rid of you if they have good babysitters, and they will feel more secure because they sense that you enjoy each other's company. Adolescents will be impressed that old timers like you still date.Never complain about your spouse to the children. If you do, you're sending the message that your primary relationship is with them, not with your spouse. Here I am referring to important complaints about your mate's personality or character, not the occasional frustrations, say, about being late or forgetting to turn the lights off.
If you have a heated argument in hearing range of the children (sometimes it's unavoidable), then let them see you be affectionate when you've made up. This helps children know that your relationship is strong enough to recover from anger and misunderstanding, and that you are taking care of your marriage. When your children are old enough, and if you can afford it, get away for an occasional weekend together without the children. This is a way to revive your marriage. Be open with your children about what you are doing for your marriage, and why you are doing it. You don't have to give lectures, but make sure your children know that you are setting limits on attention and availability for them because you love each other and want to make sure you stay close. Your explanations, of course, will be different for children at different levels of development, but all children past the toddler stage can understand that you like each other and like to be alone and do things together sometimes. With adolescents, there are moments when you can quietly share your philosophy of marriage.
Source: Relationships & Love
