Expert Advice Q&A: My Daughter-in-Law Keeps My Son from Me
Posted August 27, 2007 3:27 PM
Dear Lois Wyse:
My daughter-in-law enlisted my aid in wooing my son (I was sympathetic but remained neutral), and after marrying him has kept an extraordinarily tight reign on him. This precludes any normal relationship I might have been able to have with both of them. We've had many get-togethers but always, and only, on her terms. I've not seen them for four months (once it was three years), and their home is less than an hour's drive from mine. If he is in my area, she does not allow him to visit unless she is with him. I realize she can control him only if he lets her, but there are times when he has hugged me and said, "I'm sorry" without saying why. I can only guess. I do not try to influence either of them, do not ask them to do things for me (although I live alone) and am always friendly when we do get together.
Her parents live near me, and they see them. I do have a life apart from my children, but there is no substitute for my son's relationship with me. I do have another, more sensitive son and daughter-in-law, but they live out of the country and so I see them only once a year. As I grow older, the lack of support for me will become harder to accept, I'm sure. B.G.
Dear B.G.:
My heart goes out to any mother who feels cut off from a son she loves. But it does sound to me as if your son has replaced you with a wife who is kind of a mother figure. After all, your daughter-in-law recognized your influence when she asked you to intervene in their romance (not a usual request), and he's still listening at home. The problem for you is that it isn't your home. Obviously your daughter-in-law is in awe of your influence over your son (or whatever she perceives that to be), and she fears your being alone with him (is there something about her you would tell him?)
It might be a good idea for you to invite your daughter-in-law alone to come for a visit with you (have a specific need in mind -- shopping, going to a movie) and see if there's any hope for the two of you finding common ground without putting blame on her. Meanwhile, I think getting rid of your resentment by writing the kind of letter you did is much better than ignoring them or not treating them well when they finally come to call. So keep smiling whenever they ring the doorbell.
Comments (6)
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Posted July 22, 2009 10:22 PM
Have you ever heard it said, two sides to every story? Maybe this applies here??
I know, my mother in law will call my husband to tell him that his old girlfriends have left messages with her to pass to him.
She is always asking him if he would be better off without me.
I have had a few face offs with her and told her what I thought of her opinion of me, which doesn't bother me at all.
However it does put my husband in a situation of making a choice to see her or not.
I do not tell him he cannot go see her. However, he doesn't go obviously because he doesn't want to..
So maybe , the other side of the story that isn't being told.. Has something to do with, placing people in situations to which they are feeling forced to make a choice.
Posted July 22, 2009 5:36 PM
It's all about her, not about her husband or his family. That's what my husband says about my daughter-in-law. He should know, he was previously married for 30 years to a woman who acted like the daughter-in-law in B.G.'s letter. Fortunately for us my daughter-in-law really is a good person and loves my son and their baby. She just doesn't see past her own family and friends without my inviting them to join us or inviting myself there. I have a good friend with a similar "relationship" with her daughter-in-law. It's all about the girls not their husbands.
Posted July 17, 2009 6:13 PM
Abusers in abusive relationships try to alienate their victims from family and friends. Your son may be in an abusive relationship. He did apologize so he knows this is hurting you. Keep calling him and try to stay in contact as you don't know what his circumstances are and he may need you. Does your other son stay in contact with him?
Posted July 10, 2009 9:54 PM
I so often hear stories about the wicked mother-in-law. Even looking for advice on what to do about threatened resentful daughter-in-laws, all I could see on the first search page was about mother-in-laws. But I was astounded to read B.G.'s letter here, because she could have taken the words out of my mouth. I feel very hurt by the neglect, though at least my son and daughter-in-law live 7 hours away. I think the perspective Lois gave, that a son has possibly found somewhat of a mother substitute, helps. I understand that better, at least. My son and wife call me for money when they are in need and advice whenever they get into trouble, and have done this since the beginning of their marriage 10 years ago, but they don't visit or bring my grandchildren around, and I've begun to feel angry and used. It's hard to keep smiling when you are alone. Also like B.G.'s son, they visit her mother and dad, also 6 or so hours away, regularly. I know there are meddling mother-in-laws out there, but to be fair, the difficulties are not just mom down.
Posted July 7, 2009 6:14 PM
I am also tired of mother in law bashing. My own mother in law is cold, calculating and inappropriate, but I roll with it as a daughter in law, and set kind boundaries. I have been a quiet, resigning, appropriate, yeilding, considerate, mild, utterly kind and supportive mother in law and my oldest son's wife is shockingly competitive and insecure, to the point of pathologically cutting me and my family out. My son has pretty much thrown in the towel and given in to her. My second son's wife is cutting and cold and hostile as well. The younger two daughters in law are great. Our family history of strife, starting with my family of origin is repeating itself, skipping my generation. I have been for decades in Adult Children of Abuse groups and treatment and have been careful to be very meek with in laws. Still, the cruelty of these two young women has devastated our lives; we are unable to see three of our grandsons. I know that they are immature, but the selfish mean spirited rivalry where there is none has ruined our happiness, longing for our little grandsons. I would love to have a mother in law like me-all of my friends and family say these girls need help or some sort of consequences/feedback. I have tried everything and nothing. My two oldest sons are weak and these girls' ability to shame and push is way over their heads as young men with young children. Grandparents have no legal rights in my state. I am heartbroken and have lost faith. Unfairness and torture abound in this world, and are often unprovoked and undeserved, but this is just too much. Thank you.
Posted January 19, 2009 8:15 PM
I am so sick and tired of hearing about this monster Mother-In-Laws. What about this possessed daughter-in-laws. My daughter in law really had me fooled when they were dating. She used to say the one thing that had attracted her to my son was how close he was to his mother. My husband and I are both retired service member, and due to this relationship decided to stay in the town we retired in, instead of going home to where all our family was. When they were dating we were included in all her family events, Thanksgiving, Christmas you name it we were included. It was going to be one big happy family. When they were dating we used to have girls afternoons out, lunch, shopping, movies, nails, hair you name it we did it. Since the day he married her we have not gone out once, not for my lack of trying, she just can never find the time. They dated for 3 years, and we spent every holiday with her family, I thought this was great since we had moved around so much during our careers and were dislocated from our family. They married shortly before the holiday period, and that year we were told that her family just wanted close "family" gathering that year, and every year since. No matter what we do we cant win. We live approximately 2 miles from them and hardly ever see them, we only talk to our son when we call him. He says it just causes too much trouble. They live in between her mother and her mother's mother. Everytime we call they already have plans with her family. My sons says the road runs both ways and that we never stop by either, but we (my husband and I) did that once and he wasn't home and our daughter in law told us how much she didn't like people just dropping by. But when we call and want to stop by she makes excuses. When on the rare occassion they come to our house, she won't speak to me, and they fight over some whispered (yes she whispers in his year) and then they leave. Never staying very long. I get so upset, we have three sons, one is a service member, one is a police officer, and one is still in high school. I worry all the time that something is going to happen to one of the older boys because of the line of work they are in, so I try really hard not to argue with our son. All three boys were always close, until our middle child got married. Now everything we do is minus one, the other boys aren't allowed to spend time with our married son because they are single. We are all disgusted with the situation. This last Christmas our son told us want he really wanted for Christmas it was really expensive but we decided it would make him happy. My husband and I shopped all over and decided exactly where and what type we were going to purchase, I made the horrible mistake of telling my daughter in law that we were going that weekend and pick it up, she then informed me that her father was taking him the next day and get it for him. To make a long story short we decided on something else, and her father never bought him the item he really wanted, it was too expensive! Of course she never shared that with us, until after Christmas. They were also supposed to stop by and have dinner Christmas eve, because Christmas day they were spending with her parents (who they spend everyday with, she can't cook so her mother fixes them dinner every night), my son got off work at 7:00 so we planned the big family dinner for 7:30, at 8:00 when I called she answered the phone and said they were at her Grandmothers, and would stop by later. They showed up for a gift exchange at 9:00 and left by 9:30. b The whole holiday was ruined for everyone. Knowing my daughter-in-law like I do, I never call my son and ask him anything that I don't check with my daughter-in-law first. So when we decided we would like to take a family vacation to Disney, I called her first (I had to call three times before she took my call), I told her that because our other son would be leaving the country soon we wanted to take everyone to Disney for a family vacation (all expenses paid) for that spring, and did she think that was something her and our son would like to do. She said they would love it, I told her we wanted to go at the end of March, first of April, she again agreed that it was plenty of notice for them both to take off work. We discussed planning a five day trip, because she did not want to fly. I had gotten her permission so I called my son to discuss it with him, he also was excited and said he could get off work. I spent two weeks planning the trip, getting everything together. I had discussed it with the other two boys and everyone was excited. This weekend they stopped by (to pick up his Christmas gift he had left here) and I mentioned that everything was set, and our daughter-in-law said that her best friend had recently gotten engaged and even thou they had not set the date yet that if they got married this year she would have to take some vacation as the maid of honor, so her and my son would not be able to go on vacation! I said it was just two works days in conjunction with the weekend, she said that she just couldn't take the time off, and neither could our son. I just sat there looking at her. I really want to blow up and tell her what a self centered controlling little witch she is, but again I would expect that my son would be put in the middle, and he was raised that once you take a wife, she is the center of your world, and she should always come first. I really wanted to be a good mother-in-law, but no matter what I do, I cant win. So you see I think us mother-in-laws get a bum wrap, maybe if some of those daughter-in-laws looked deep inside they would she that maybe some of the evil stories about mother-in-laws begin with them.
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