Dear Dr. Betty,
I'm 45 and my kids are off to college. My husband is 47, works too much and has tons of hobbies. My hobbies were my kids and I feel a little lost and unfocused now that they're away. Other activities don't appeal to me, but I still have a lot to offer to my husband and society. How can I find something that I can get passionate about and get rid of these empty feelings?
Dear T.,
Welcome to the empty nest! Others may compliment you on raising such fine children. That is indeed fulfilling, but how will you satisfy your sense of feeling needed and feeling important -- a role that active mothering so easily provides -- now that the kids have flown the coop?
And what about being a midlife woman? You may be experiencing what I call "midlife astonishment," a sudden awareness of your body's changing shape and ability to function as it did in earlier years.
Or, you may feel as if your attractiveness waning, often called the "invisibility syndrome." Maybe you have parents who are aging, ill or have passed on which could challenge your sense of your own mortality.
All of this piles on and compounds your empty nest feelings. No wonder you're feeling passionless!
All of this adds up to some big changes. You're in a transitional phase, existing in that nowhere place between then and what's to be. The good news is that you have some control over the what's to be. Empowering, isn't it?
You're right -- you do have a lot to offer your husband and community, but you can't give unless you first define yourself, fulfill some of your dreams, establish new connections, and get in touch with your creativity and spirituality.Reignite some long-lost dreams and desires by considering the following: 1. Create more life roles to increase your sense of control. As you search for roles beyond motherhood, acknowledge that being a full-time mom fulfilled your need to connect with others. With that gone, look at how you can connect in new ways. List all the roles you now play as an empty-nest mother. Think about your connection needs. Do all these roles make you feel part of something and appreciated? Write down whether you feel good or bad about the role. Review your answers and come up with at least two or three new activities you can engage in that would fulfill your current need for connection.2. Conduct a photo session. Find a favorite picture of yourself between ages 21 and 35. While looking at the photo ask yourself: What strengths do I have now that I didn't have when I was younger? How have I grown as a person? What wisdom have I gained over the years in regards to nurturing myself, self-acceptance, care-giving, and dealing with different people? 3. Define your dreams and goals. What if you were not concerned with money, time or the approval of your spouse? In other words, what are your big dreams?
Make a list of at least 10-15 of these dreams. Keep the list nearby (magnetized to the refrigerator door) and examine it daily to refresh your memory. 4. Engage in a spiritual quest. Explore the meaning of being part of a larger whole. Investigate the passage of time, and the limits of your control over events, people, energy and health. Don't neglect your search for ultimate meaning and inner peace. Accept and nurture yourself by acting on your dreams and goals. Self-acceptance is reassuring and powerful. It helps you "feel your center" -- the part of you that represents your strongest, best-functioning self. The trick is to accept the "whole you" -- the good and bad. Try these techniques to help: 1. Use positive self talk and repeat the mantra "I accept who I am" while looking in the mirror throughout the day. 2. Assert yourself and set limits and boundaries for what you will and will not do. 3. Take that precious commodity called "time" for yourself. Learn to relax, to play and to enjoy sensual pleasures. 4. Make a contract with yourself to put two or three of your dreams or goals into action. Engage in some or all of the above recommendations and watch your empty-nest feelings gradually disintegrate and be replaced with direction and passion.
Source: Relationships & Love
