Ive done a little research and it seems that my recent experience is not a unique one. According to a survey by the Pew Research Center 13% of parents with grown children say one of their adult sons or daughters has moved back home in the recent past. Most of the time its due to a financial issue, one exacerbated by the rising numbers of unemployed individuals. In October 2009, the Bureau of Labor Statistics cited 15.6% of20-to-24-year-olds were unemployed vs. 8.7% for people over 25. Thats a significant number in a demographic that hasnt had enough life experience to know how to handle the situation and not enough financial reserve to cope on their own.
Where do children turn in times of trouble? They turn to their parents. I am always comforted by the fact that both of my adult children have turned to me over the years for advice, a place to retreat, and motherly love. You feel like youve done your job well if your children confide in you or seek your sage advice. I know I did. Moving back home to live with mom is a different matter entirely. Last November my adult child asked if he could come home and live with me for awhile. As of a few weeks ago hes gone, off pursing new adventures. Im back to my old routine though I must admit that the house feels awfully quiet at times. But we survived the year and got to know each other on a much deeper level than I had even imagined possible. We related as adults, though often the mother-child dynamic was lurking right below the surface.
We had great conversations about what we were each reading, we watched indie films together, we talked about dating, and I listened while he talked about his future ambitions. Sure there were times when I wanted to say, Put your cup in the dishwasher or remind him to pick up his mess. But, I tried to refrain. The key for me was to balance my role as his mother while acknowledging that hes an adult. I couldnt treat him like he was still 15. So I bit my tongue and I worried occasionally and I practiced the art of letting go.
We set ground rules from the very beginning, actually before he even moved in. We talked about our different lifestyles and what this arrangement might look like. I was fortunate; he started the conversation by asking me if he could move back home and had already given thought to the subject. Over the period of that year we never yelled at each other or had an argument. I know I irritated him a few times and there were more than a few times I felt frustrated with him. I believe he got the ego boost he needed and a good safe place to reflect on the next phase of his life journey. The gift for me was watching my son through the eyes of a fellow adult. Its easier to be objective when we shed that parent role. It turned out to be a much better experience than I had expected. As I reflect on the year, I think we managed beautifully. For anyone who finds themselves in this same situation, here are a few tips based on what worked for me:1. Have a conversation as soon as possible about expectations. If you want him to do his own laundry, clean his room or share the total housecleaning-say so. Make sure youre heard and that both parties agree to what that will look like. I never touched his laundry or living space, but he had the luxury of a separate area for television or recreation and his own bedroom and bath, far away from mine. If I needed him to do something I asked him, without invoking the guilt thing.
2. Set ground rules about music, drinking, late nights, parties or whatever else seems important to you. Remember it is your house and he or she is there at your invitation. You can decide that there will be no guests in the house after 10PM or that he must be quiet coming and going at night. When you set those rules, give your reasons so he understands why youre doing so. 3. Talk about finances. Is your child expecting financial help? If so, are you asking him or her to give back something of value in return? That might be cooking dinner 2 nights a week or taking over yard work or some other chore in exchange for room and board. If he is working you should ask for rent or at the very least a contribution to the weekly food bill. 4. Relationships and personal matters can be very tricky. This topic may be challenging, depending on the nature of your relationship with your adult child. If one or both of you are dating you might have that birds and bees talk all over again. How will he feel about you having a date spend the night? Or knowing that you might be having sex? And, how are you going to handle your adult child having sex in your house? What are you willing to tolerate and how much do you each want to know? 5. Set a time line. Ask how long he or she hopes to live at home and what the plans are for moving out. If hes looking for a job ask if you can keep up with how the job search is going. And, most importantly, stick to your timeline. Ask for periodic reports. If the time is up in two months, check in. Youre moving out in two months, how close are you to being able to do that? What do you need to happen for that to work? Dont let it just slide, because that sends the message that he or she can let things slide too. You dont want a six month stay to turn into two years. Once youve set these ground rules and he or she has appeared on your doorstep, its not over. Youre going to need to revisit the living arrangements discussion. After a few weeks you might suggest that the two of you talk about how things are going. Discuss if expectations are being met and any concerns that might have come up in the initial honeymoon phase. Share any feelings that have come up for you and ask him to do the same. As long as youre keeping an open line of communication youre more likely to handle problems immediately.
Its not easy to revert to the parent-child relationship at our age. Weve successfully sent out children out into the world and were busy crafting a new life for ourselves. You might resent having an adult child return to the nest, but most of us would find it difficult to turn away our children in a time of need. It is possible to feel good about the situation and develop a much stronger relationship with your child. It takes a little work, a little communication and a willingness to be flexible and understanding. I know Im grateful for the opportunity to share that time with my son. About the author: Walker Thornton is a Virginia-based writer and blogger who writes frequently for ThirdAge.com.
