Change for the better takes place in three stages. The first stage is admitting that what you are doing is not working, and asking for help if you need it. Then comes the second and most difficult stage, stopping what you are doing that is not working, including what you put off or avoid. If you persist in your efforts you reach the third and final stage of change, making choices that work for you. You may relapse occasionally, but you rebound quickly.
To add to your confusion in the second stage of change, people who feel upset by the changes you are making use tactics to undermine your resolve, such as trying to manipulate you through feelings of guilt or obligation. The anxiety can be so intense you give into the pressure and go back to what you know, even though it causes you to feel pain. If you try again (and again!) the choices that are good for you become familiar and comfortable.
Paradoxically, healthy choices feel wrong because they are the opposite of what you think you should or were taught to do. Whenever you do what you are not supposed to do up come your worst fears: What if Im wrong? What if I hurt someone? What if I lose everything? What if I wind up alone and lonely? What if theres no such thing as a happy ending? To relieve the discomfort you go back to what is familiar, as when you try to make someone happy and fail (failure is what you know).
If you stop trying to make people happy, that feels wrong because you think you are giving up on or abandoning them. You are afraid they will think you dont care about them, or that you are selfish if you do what makes you happy. Yet detachment is the solution because it puts responsibility for happiness where it belongs, on the other person.Have you ever noticed that once you stop trying to make people happy they create new problems to get you back into the struggle for power? If you are taken in by this maneuver you revert to controlling behavior and you are back in the past again; and now you are both unhappy! (You have heard that it takes two to tango?)So why do we continue to make self-destructive choices even when we know better? Adam Voiland says the answer is based on how our brains are wired:Part of [the reason we make bad choices] is we are wired to care more about immediate, tangible consequences than about delayed and intangible consequences ... is this hopeless then? How can people change their ways? The answer is to build systems into your life that reward healthy choices or that make healthy choices more convenient than unhealthy ones. People will naturally take the path of least resistance. Set up your lives or the lives of your children so that the path of least resistance is the path that you actually want to take.
For instance, one of my clients kept trying change her husband and then getting frustrated when he refused to change, behavior Ann copied from her mother and grandmother, who also tried to change the men in their lives. But that only fostered resentment on the part of the men, who responded with, stop trying to control me!At a deeper level, Anns husband reflected what she needed to change about herself. When the psyche wants us to grow it uses any means to call flaws to our attention, including partners who exhibit in living Technicolor what is true about us. By wrestling with her husbands lack of confidence, for example, Ann wrestled with her own fear of the unknown. Once she became aware she was projecting her fear, taking risks became the path of least resistance, but not without a struggle.As with Ann, whenever you step into the unknown you feel confused and disoriented, like a tragic actor who is auditioning for the lead in a romantic comedy. If change is harder than you expect you alter course, take shortcuts, or give up on the process.When you are in the difficult stage of change you need encouragement to persevere in your efforts. Talk to people who have achieved what you are trying to do, since they know firsthand the challenges you face. They will also tell you when you are doing better than you think. These people could be experts in their field, or relatives and friends who are open to change and growth.
Ann reached the final stage of change when she accepted a job in sales. Moving from a support role to a line position was scary, but to her surprise Ann excelled in sales. Working directly with customers changed the dynamic in her marriage too, from a battle of wills to mutual respect.To navigate the three stages of change:Make a list of what you are doing that is not working, including what you put off or avoid.Determine what you can change by yourself, and where you need help.Take small steps, allowing time for healthy choices to become the path of least resistance.Dont be hard on yourself when you go back to what is familiar. Instead, try again.Persevere until nothing can tempt you to repeat the past. Once you have completed the third stage of change, pass on what you learned, but only to those who will do the work change requires.About the Author:Nancy Anderson is a career and life consultant based in the San Francisco Bay Area and the author of the best selling career guide, Work with Passion. Her new book, Work with Passion and Beyond is available in online and retail bookstores. Her website is workwithpassion.com. Send questions about your career and life goals to nancy@workwithpassion.com.
