All Marriage Q&A

My husband decided to leave me 6 weeks after a heart attack. It seem like we had some issues prior to his heart attack about 3 weeks. He was very cold and not affectionate at all any more. He told me he didn't know he loves me anymore after 17 years and he said even he had everything he is not happy. When he left he said he still loves me but need to figure out what he wants in life. He said he is 48 and almost dies. I always thought we had a good marriage. He also said I pushed away and he thought I don't love him, Financial pressure and he is working lots of hours. He also has a drinking problem. He doesn't know when to stop. He said his head is clouded he does not know what he wants. He is gone now for 4 weeks. He hasn't spoken to his children, he is not talking to his friends and family. He doesn't want to deal with me, our financial obligations or our house. He is giving most of his paycheck but said he has not come to any conclusion. I told his heart surgeon about it and he will be seeing him in 3 weeks.

Any advice?

I am 60 and my husband is 64 and we have been married for 5 years. We no longer have sex because my husband carries on with other women. By that I mean he has “friends” that he talks to sexually -- 95% sexually explicit -- over the phone. I am not saying he pays for phone sex; these are women whom he has known longer than me.

When I explained to him how much these conversations hurt me, his comment was: “You just don't understand my friendship with these women.” He is not physically intimate with any of them but to me it is still infidelity.

I have gone to counseling. (He will not go so I went without him.) He says I am all he could want and treats me wonderfully in every other aspect of our marriage. I have completely withdrawn from intimacy, and am very depressed. My question is: Why does he do this?

My wife has not wanted any sex for at least the past three years. She will not kiss, touch or feel. Any discussion of the subject brings a quick response such as, "That's all you ever think about."
For most of our years together, our love life was OK -- not great but OK. Now there just isn't any. We have had marriage counseling three times, but she refused to get personal counseling. She does get her yearly pap smear and mammogram, and there doesn't seem to be a physical problem -- she takes no medication at all, has never had any surgery, and she is usually lubricated easily. But she refuses to talk about this with a doctor. My libido is still good, but I am reduced to masturbation, which is not fulfilling. Yesterday she asked me that if I was so unhappy, why I didn't get a divorce. This could break us up. Any ideas?

Men and Fidelity

There has been a lot in the news recently about men and infidelity. Why would a (seemingly happily) married man, like Governor Spitzer go to a prostitute when the consequences of being found out are so enormous? Or, to put it another way, even a man not in the public eye risks losing his family, reputation and job if found out. Why is that risk taken?

I recently read your article about why men stop having sex with their wives. One reason that you didn't mention is that men get tired of being the instigator. Granted, there are men outside the norm who lose interest themselves, but I would venture to guess that oftentimes men are waiting for their wives to initiate the intimacy (i.e., "Let's see how long it takes her to ask me for sex"). Otherwise, the woman complains about being woken up, about missing Letterman, etc. To me, it's not worth it. I'll let her come to me. Or am I the only man facing such a problem?