All Relationships & sex Q&A

My parents have dementia and need my help with some basic things. I’m struggling with the new responsibilities and didn’t expect it to happen so soon. Your articles on ThirdAge are so helpful, but I feel like I need a caregiving course. Can you recommend some resources to help me feel less alone and to help me give my parents the best care?

I have been in a relationship with a man for 3 1/2 years. At the same time he started dating me, he also started dating another woman, and over the years he has continued to have a relationship with the two of us. He says he loves us both and doesn’t want to give up either of us. We are all divorced after long marriages, and are intelligent, educated and successful professionals. We all hate the situation, including him! The other woman and I share equal time as if it was a custody arrangement, and have NEVER seen each other at the same time and never will. Neither of us dates anyone else. This is making all of us depressed, angry and sad, but we don’t seem to be able to stop. Have you had experience with any similar relationships? Do you have any advice?

I have been in a relationship with a man for 3-1/2 years. At the same time he started dating me, he also started dating another woman, and over the years he has continued to have a relationship with the two of us. He says he loves us both and doesn’t want to give up either of us. We are all divorced after long marriages, and are intelligent, educated and successful professionals. We all hate the situation, including him! The other woman and I share equal time as if it was a custody arrangement, and have NEVER seen each other at the same time and never will. Neither of us dates anyone else. This is making all of us depressed, angry and sad, but we don’t seem to be able to stop. Have you had experience with any similar relationships? Do you have any advice?

My daughter has strict food rules for her children, and I just don't agree. I think my grandkids should be able to have some fun when they visit (ice cream, an occasional piece of candy, and soda -- if they wish). Is it bad that I go against her rules when they are over at our house? Could it really hurt their health?

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your book, "The Gifts of Caregiving: Stories of Hardship, Hope, and Healing" and listening to the accompanying CD, "Hardship into Hope: The Rewards of Caregiving." During your career as a public radio producer, writer, and speaker, you have interviewed countless well-known personalities and celebrities and have shared their stories with us through your wonderful books. Each person's story is unique and inspiring. Is there any one person you interviewed whose story or heartfelt experiences stood out and touched you more so than others?

You've written that according to your research, the number one reason men give for not having sex with their wives is: "She's not sexually adventurous enough." What do they men mean by that? And don't women have legitimate complaints of that nature too?

Whenever my children come to visit and bring their grandchildren, I'm saddened to see how strictly my daughter-in-law disciplines the kids. I have to really bite my tongue. I've tried talking with my son about this, but he's not very responsive. Do I ask them to not come over any more? Should I lay down my own "house rules"?

I'm taking care of my grandchildren during the day as my daughter just returned to work. The situation is supposed to be temporary until they can find daycare ... but I'm finding that I love my time alone with my grandkids. I don't want to disrupt her plan, but I don't think she needs to pay for daycare when I'm having so much fun! What do you suggest I do?

I've been seeing a man who lives 800 miles away for 3.5 years. So far, things have been good with the usual relationship ups and downs - we're both in our late 50's. We are even presently negotiating his moving here with me in the Northeast, but we do have one sticky wicket. I am a very spiritual person. I am a Wiccan as was my mother and her mother before her. We are good and wise people albeit different in our approach to religion and God. My boyfriend struggles with my choice of spirituality; he claims to be Christian but is non-practicing. However, he tells me he is afraid of my spiritual path and that he feels it would be hard for us to forge a strong bond based on such differing religious attitudes; otherwise our relationship is well, magical! I think he's just nervous about moving and leaving his family, never having lived anywhere outside the Midwest.

He knew what I practiced when we first met. Still he brings this problem up whenever we get into a tight space; it's a hard one to debate. I even told him I'd be willing to explore other religious paths with him if necessary, even though it's not my preference. I know we love each desperately, but he seems to see this as a problem that is very hard to solve. What can I do?

What are the teachings about oral sex? I was taught that either the giving or receiving of oral sex was WRONG! My husband has asked me for years why I don't want to try this. Am I missing something that is not altogether wrong, but enjoyable?

My husband decided to leave me 6 weeks after a heart attack. It seem like we had some issues prior to his heart attack about 3 weeks. He was very cold and not affectionate at all any more. He told me he didn't know he loves me anymore after 17 years and he said even he had everything he is not happy. When he left he said he still loves me but need to figure out what he wants in life. He said he is 48 and almost dies. I always thought we had a good marriage. He also said I pushed away and he thought I don't love him, Financial pressure and he is working lots of hours. He also has a drinking problem. He doesn't know when to stop. He said his head is clouded he does not know what he wants. He is gone now for 4 weeks. He hasn't spoken to his children, he is not talking to his friends and family. He doesn't want to deal with me, our financial obligations or our house. He is giving most of his paycheck but said he has not come to any conclusion. I told his heart surgeon about it and he will be seeing him in 3 weeks.

Any advice?

Is it normal to have less sensation in your nipples after menopause? My breasts don't hurt and my mammograms are fine, but my nipples don't have the same feeling when my husband trys to stimulate them. Also my sex drive is just about gone.

I have been divorced for about seven years. This was my third marriage, but one thing was different; I didn't feel "alone" after he left. Most of my life I have been a "Care Giver." This is the first time I have concentrated on my needs and what I want out of life. My question is: most of my family and friends keep trying to set me up with men. I'm working two jobs so I will be debt free before I retire. For the most part I am happy with my life. But nothing I say seems to get through to them. It's not that I want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I am very picky about who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Am I wrong for being so picky this late in life? For workng so much?

I am 60 and my husband is 64 and we have been married for 5 years. We no longer have sex because my husband carries on with other women. By that I mean he has “friends” that he talks to sexually -- 95% sexually explicit -- over the phone. I am not saying he pays for phone sex; these are women whom he has known longer than me.

When I explained to him how much these conversations hurt me, his comment was: “You just don't understand my friendship with these women.” He is not physically intimate with any of them but to me it is still infidelity.

I have gone to counseling. (He will not go so I went without him.) He says I am all he could want and treats me wonderfully in every other aspect of our marriage. I have completely withdrawn from intimacy, and am very depressed. My question is: Why does he do this?

I have recently been reading about a couple in their 40s who made love for 101 nights in a row [the story is recounted in Just Do It, by Douglas Brown]. This was disconcerting, since my husband and I only have sex about once every two weeks. Should I be concerned?

My wife has not wanted any sex for at least the past three years. She will not kiss, touch or feel. Any discussion of the subject brings a quick response such as, "That's all you ever think about."
For most of our years together, our love life was OK -- not great but OK. Now there just isn't any. We have had marriage counseling three times, but she refused to get personal counseling. She does get her yearly pap smear and mammogram, and there doesn't seem to be a physical problem -- she takes no medication at all, has never had any surgery, and she is usually lubricated easily. But she refuses to talk about this with a doctor. My libido is still good, but I am reduced to masturbation, which is not fulfilling. Yesterday she asked me that if I was so unhappy, why I didn't get a divorce. This could break us up. Any ideas?

My daughter-in-law enlisted my aid in wooing my son (I was sympathetic but remained neutral), and after marrying him has kept an extraordinarily tight reign on him. This precludes any normal relationship I might have been able to have with both of them. We've had many get-togethers but always, and only, on her terms. I've not seen them for four months (once it was three years), and their home is less than an hour's drive from mine. If he is in my area, she does not allow him to visit unless she is with him. I realize she can control him only if he lets her, but there are times when he has hugged me and said, "I'm sorry" without saying why. I can only guess. I do not try to influence either of them, do not ask them to do things for me (although I live alone) and am always friendly when we do get together.

Her parents live near me, and they see them. I do have a life apart from my children, but there is no substitute for my son's relationship with me. I do have another, more sensitive son and daughter-in-law, but they live out of the country and so I see them only once a year. As I grow older, the lack of support for me will become harder to accept, I'm sure. B.G.

My wife is no longer very interested in sex, and we haven't had intercourse for a few years. I take saw palmetto for my swollen prostate gland, but am wondering how Taoist practices may help. The Tao of Loving speaks of "retaining the seed," but does this refer to the semen from the testicles or to the fluid from the prostate? I ask because if I do the practices and let the fluid build-up, it tends to increase the swelling. Since I don't have intercourse, how can I improve this situation?

Expert Advice: Tantra for One

Dear Suzie,

How can I incorporate the teachings of Tantra into my life without a partner? What techniques can I use to pleasure myself and how can I attract a new love using Tantra techniques? -- J.

Dear Suzie,

Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to sex and that I'm looking for Tantra to justify that addiction. Any direction you might suggest?

-- B.