How Do You Change Your Partner?

How do you change your partner? This is a common question. Because lets face it, aren't they the problem?

Im a relationship therapist. Most couples come into my office, sit down and with all seriousness, point to their partner and declare

"If you can just fix THEM, we'd be fine!"

Most of us feel this way in our relationships. We project all of our problems, issues and discomfort onto our partner. It seems as if all of our hurt, anger and frustration would go away if they would just change.

But think about it for a moment. Do you think all of your relationship problems are really about your partner's personality flaws? Could there be something about you that is getting in the way of your own happiness?

Buddhists may have it right when they teach a form of acceptance called mindfulness. Mindfulness is a practice of focusing; of being in the moment and accepting whatever is truly in the here and now. This demands a form of concentration that means letting go of the past and not worrying about the future.

If we were to practice mindfulness in our relationship, with our partner, it would mean we would truly accept who they are in the moment, without resentment for past hurts or frustration about how they might not live up to our expectations in the future. It would mean letting go of the desire to change them, and enjoying them fully in the moment. Being present to who they are without trying to change them allows them to be who they really are, without defensiveness and without undue stress.

We really cant change our partner; we cant control their actions. The only thing we have control over is our own reactive behaviors. And sometimes when we simply accept that we cannot change the ones we love, we let go of trying so hard to blame them for our conflicts, and a strange thing happens.

They stop being the problem. Funny how that works.

Tammy Nelson, PhD is a psychotherapist and author who conducts trainings, teleclasses, workshops and sessions for couples: