How To Make Your Marriage Closer

When I met my husband decades ago, the electricity was so powerful we could have lit up a small city. But time has a way of dimming the romantic intensity of even the most loving couples. Raising children, careers, money worries, household chores took center stage, and eventually passion became a shadowy memory. As the anniversaries added up, we lost a precious part of our relationship.

I sought the help of marriage experts and vowed to follow their advice. It took about a month to try all their recommendations, but with each exercise the results were immediate, pleasurable and enduring. Im happy to report that now our romance is on the upswing, our hearts open and we are more committed than ever to our marriage. The following exercises are our favorites.

• Act like lovers. Just saying the phrase I love you has a powerful effect, says Rosanne Rosen, author of The Living Together Trap. The more you tell someone youre in love with him, the more you believe it. In other words, positive thinking leads to positive results. At Rosens suggestion, I began speaking positively about my feelings. When we parted, I told him, Ill miss you. When he returned, I said, Im happy youre home. I sprinkled conversations with I appreciate you. I need you. Not only did my husband react warmly, but I began to feel more loving, more affectionate and more appreciative.

• Break the routine. Like many busy couples, my husband and I are schedule sticklers. We wake at the same time, eat our meals at the same hour, shop on weekends. Marcella Bakur Winer, Ph.D., explained the dangers of everything becoming routine: Couples need to snap out of their haze of monotony in order to re-experience their initial feelings of love. Weiner discussed a list of possibilities: Wear a different style of clothing or scent, serve dinner in bed, walk hand-hand-in the woods. To our delight we found that our playfulness led to a more adventurous spirit in the bedroom.

• Let go of grudges. Love requires openness, says bestselling author and psychiatrist David Viscott, author of Emotional Resilience. Couples get into trouble when they hold grudges. Instead of love, the strongest emotion they feel is anger. I had to admit that I harbored plenty of grudges: the time he forgot Valentines Day or the way he spent his bonus check without consulting me first. Viscott stresses that its important to express your feelings on a daily basis in an honest way. Treat each complaint as an event in its own right, he says. That was fine advice for the future, but what about all my old gripes? I let go by writing them down and then literally tossing the list in the trash. Then I took out a new sheet of paper and wrote. I forgive you.

• Walk down memory lane. At the suggestion of Marcella Wiener, I visualized the moment I met my husband and conjured up the emotions that accompanied our original attraction. It was amazing how vividly I recalled our meeting, the warm emotional and sexual feelings I had for him. That evening when I looked at him, my memories were still fresh and so was the attraction.

• Take a break. Long-term separations are not favorable for renewing loving feelings, but a brief break might be just the right remedy. All the experts I spoke with agreed that absence does make the heart grow fonder. A weekend visit with a friend or relative whose company you enjoy will do the trick. I spent three days with an old friend who is single and lives out of town. I enjoyed the reprieve from my day-to-day responsibilities. It was also illuminating to experience the single life. Separation not only cleared the air, but on returning home, my husband looked a lot better to me. I suspect the same was true for him.

• Take inventory. Deep in my heart, I know my husband has a number of shining qualities, but lately it had been easier keeping track of all the things about him that annoyed or disappointed me. This can ruin any relationship. Viscott says that concentrating on the negative is a guaranteed love buster. One night, I sat at the kitchen table and wrote down everything I appreciate about my husband. The list was longer than I would have suspected. Think about it. Is your husband a good friend? Does he give a hearty hug or a gentle back massage? Was he there for you during a personal emergency? Does he pour you coffee in the morning?

After completing my list, I realized I was lucky to be married to a man who possessed such princely qualities and I was effused with gratitude. Theres no more powerful aphrodisiac than respect. This was the final lesson learned and the one that brought us even closer.

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Robin Westen is the author of Relationship Repair (Sterling Publishers)?