How to Rekindle the Romance in Your Life

"Reconnecting: A Self-Coaching Solution to Revive Your Love Life" (John Wiley & Sons; $24.95) is, yet, another relationship book, but it's one that puts the responsibility on you, the reader, to be the problem solver. Author Joseph J. Luciani contends that it's possible to help rescue your relationship by using "self-talk" to become a catalyst for change.

Relationships can suffer because of circumstances such as health problems, financial setbacks or career struggles. But Luciani argues that it is our insecure response to them that is the source of the turmoil. Insecurity leads to the neurotic need to be in control. Various personalities try to control the situation through different means.

Luciani classifies them by animal species. Tigers are aggressive. Turtles, to no one's surprise, practice avoidance through apathy or by withdrawing. They're sensitive to criticism and often feel inferior. Elephants control through bullying, while raccoons manipulate. Peacocks love themselves a little too much and often lack patience and empathy.

Some tips for relating to your partner:

• Separate fact from fiction: Don't assume, speculate or guess what's going on in your partner's mind
• Listen: Don't respond with "Yes, but ..."
• Develop an us-first attitude: Think in terms of what is best for the two of you, not just yourself.
• Be curious: It's a good substitute for hostility or defensivness. If your partner hurts your feelings or they point out something you did that hurt them, be curious about finding a solution. Work together to figure out why it happened.
• Offer encouragement and affirmation: Don't succumb to what Luciani calls "relationship laziness." Compliment your partner on their looks or praise them for when they accomplish something.
• Don't use guilt: It may work in the short run, but you're partner will resent being manipulated