Dear Dr. Betty,
I was widowed suddenly nine months ago and am left with two teenage daughters to raise. I've been seeing an old friend and am dismayed to find myself considering a sexual relationship so soon. How do I set a decent example for my girls without denying myself happiness? --M.
Dear M.,
Set a decent example by not denying yourself happiness, by being a fully realized woman; know yourself, but also respect your daughters' own struggles for independence, adulthood, and sexual awakenings. The sudden loss of your husband and their father needs to be dealt with in order for all of you to grow in a positive direction.
Before dealing with the sexual and role model issues you presented, you need to become more aware of who you are and what you want. You still have the flames of desire and zest for life in you and that's healthy!
Too Soon for Sex?
As a mother, you're a nurturer and a role model. When your daughters eventually leave, they'll be moving from a child to an adult role -- and you'll move from mother to friend. Start practicing now -- you don't want to be stuck holding the "I'm just a mother" role. Create a comfort level with yourself and with your kids.
Who Am I?
Become aware of who you are and what you want. Then, create a life that addresses your uniqueness -- this is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your daughters!
To help you get started, write down the following: What different roles do you play? (You could write mother, salesperson, cook, continually flowing river, seeker.)Which of the above roles make you happy, sad, angry?Start to focus on those roles that bring you the most happiness. Dealing with Your TeensStrive to be as honest and up front as the situation dictates. Some other considerations: 1. First, lower the potential for negative outcomes. Make sure your daughters know, like, and trust your man friend. If they don't know him, try planning some family activities that include him. Make them fun -- sports, entertainment, picnics, dinner at home. 2. Lower the threat factor by letting them know you aren't trying to replace their father. Reassure them that they come first. 3. Also tell them you have needs for companionship -- that you're lonely and shouldn't and don't want to rely solely on them. 4. Hopefully, you'll be exclusive with this man if it's a healthy relationship. Different men going through the house does not set a good example! 5. Wait until your kids are away from home to create intimate encounters with your man. Or consider going on overnight trips at hotels or motels together. Most children -- even teens -- are uncomfortable with their parents' sexuality, especially their mom's...I encourage honesty, but not the in-your-face kind.
6. Always stress that both you and your kids need privacy. Teens demand their independence at all times! Let them know it goes both ways. 7. Handle this situation as a grown-up mom. If your daughters ask you explicit questions about your sex life, you can tell them that it's your business only. Or, you could use the opportunity to teach, such as mentioning that you always use condoms to protect against STDs. Set a model of honesty and respect for yourself and your daughters. Every young girl who sees her mother happy and living a full life will have an easier time moving into adulthood herself.
Source: Relationships & Love
