Breaching this subject right after Valentine's Day seems like questionable timing. But when it comes to addressing topics others might find problematic, I live by the old saying: If you can't be bold, be stupid.
Hence, I'd like to talk about interaction between males and females; what experts refer to as "relationships."
Specifically, I've been doing what is known as "research" into a problem between men and women that probably dates to prehistoric times -- the complaint from females that their significant male has Guy Attention Deficit Syndrome (GADS).
It seems a majority of women assert that during verbal exchange (also called "conversation"), their male "tunes me out" or "doesn't pay attention to me."
Difficult as it is to believe, my wonderful wife Karen suggests that I suffer from GADS -- she suggests it at least once a day, in fact. So, it was pursuit of harmony at home that prompted my research into this difference between men and women.
What I've discovered is startling, but it's based on SCIENTIFIC FACT that was accumulated by REAL SCIENTISTS.
Ladies, if you're trying to have a conversation with your man and all you get back is a blank stare or a series of "Uh huhs" and disassociated head nods, it's not an indication your man isn't listening. The problem isn't GADS, it's a genetic difference in the manner in which men "hear" women.
According to very smart people at the University of Sheffield in England, the male brain (if your man has one) is not wired to listen to women. We're talking structural differences in the gray matter, not selective disinterest or insufferable rudeness, as many females suspect. The University of Sheffield's Web site notes that when researchers played recordings of male and female voices for a test group of males, they found that the men deciphered male and female voices in different parts of their brains. Men apparently process female voices in the auditory section of the brain, which also handles music. Says the Web site: "The female voice is actually more complex than the male voice and has greater natural melody. When a man hears a female voice, his brain analyzes the different sounds, in order to 'read' the voice and determine the auditory face." In other words, when a female is talking, it's not that a man isn't listening to what she's saying, it's that he's hearing it in concert form. In conversation with a female, a male doesn't hear "We've got to do something about replacing the furniture in the living room" or "Don't forget we're going out to eat with the Smiths on Friday night." He's hearing Mick Jagger sing Sympathy for the Devil or Faith Hill cooing "I can feel you breathe, it's washing over me ..."
This melodic misinformation helps explain why, within five minutes after a female gives up on having a conversation, a male will innocently propose, "Isn't it about time we got some new furniture?" or "Wanna to go to a ballgame Friday night?" The very, very smart people at the University of Sheffield have also discovered that while men hear a melody when a woman speaks, they hear something much different when another man speaks. It appears men process the male voice in a more primitive part of the brain, one that's usually used for choosing between a footlong cheese dog with onions or a footlong cheese dog with mustard but no onions. Sidenote: The Mensas at the University of Sheffield did not address how women analyze a man's voice, but I suspect they mainly hear it as a series of grunts and clicks. No melody there. Anyway, let me speak directly to humans of my gender on how we can employ this SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH. Guys, here's the spin: The next time you're nailed not paying attention, whip out the study from the remarkably intelligent folks at the University of Sheffield and say, "Honey, your voice is music to my ears. It's not that I wasn't listening to you, it's that I was so caught up in the symphony that I couldn't hear the words." Let me know how that works, fellas. If your woman's response is that frosty glare we know so well, never fear, I have other SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH we can use to rationalize ... er, that should be explain GADS.
