The Six Dimensions of Divorce

Like every other component of your divorce, there is both a business and emotional challenge in dealing with children during the process. Often in divorce, younger children become a bartering tool, and their well-being gets lost in the game of tug-of-war. Older children, even those far from the nest, often experience a huge emotional rollercoaster, and sometimes their views on their own relationships are affected.

If you have children under 18, there is the matter of custody. Regardless of your child's age, you face the challenge of keeping them emotionally balanced throughout the process. Here are some tips for dealing with both sides of this issue:

The Business of Custody

• Child custody and support are often the most disputed elements in divorce negotiations because they involve both emotions and money. Too often the children are used as a bargaining chip. Don't settle for an unfair agreement just because your partner is threatening to take the children.
• Have the court issue a temporary order regarding custody, visitation and child support.
• Talk to your attorney about how best to position yourself.
• Continue living in your home if you want to stay there with your children after the divorce.
• Address questions of relocation for before, during and after divorce in the custody decision, not after the divorce.
• Bargain hard for the maximum amount of child support your children may receive. The average child support award is usually half of what the children need.

The Emotional Balance of Children

• Be an effective communicator and keep children informed about what is happening. To the best of your ability, help them understand why divorce was inevitable -- without bashing your former partner. Remember, children of all ages are very perceptive, and if you don't give them the information, they'll invent it themselves.
• Do not make children take sides. Use your friends and support network to vent anger and frustration toward your ex, but don't expose kids to these feelings.
• Even if your children are all grown up, they still need to be kept in the communication loop. Realize that seeing their parents split can have a drastic impact on their current or future marriages or relationships. That is why it is so important to articulate what happened in your specific situation, so they do not project negative feelings or cynicism on all relationships. Perhaps they can even learn from your mistakes.
• Keep an eye open for drastic changes in your kids' behavior. The divorce process has sent more than one child off the straight-and-narrow. The best way to fix this problem is to prevent it through constant observation and honest communication.

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