Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert |
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Should I Wait to Date?
Dear Dr. Betty,
Three months ago, I filed for divorce from my husband of eight years. There is no question in my mind that I want to end this marriage. I would like to date but wonder if it is appropriate. If I write a personals ad, can I say I am divorced? --A.
Dear A.,
Sure, date again, and put an ad in the personals with the truth--you're separated. But first, ask your attorney's opinion--you don't need complications.
My concern is whether you really are prepared to reenter the dating world. There are plenty of people to meet, but the difficult part is getting ready for the meeting. If your prescription is to get another love, post haste, beware...that medicine may have negative side effects. Wait a while and ask yourself some questions.
Self examination is a good starting point for dating readiness, and the answers will serve you well in the long run. Are you finished emotionally with your marriage? If not, you may fall into negative traps again. What life and relationship lessons have you learned? Do you tend to look for love in all the wrong places? Be wary of the men you select to date; they will become your golden circle of choice for the next Mr. Right or Wrong, as the case may be. You should also consider who you are and what type of person contributes to your good feelings and "fits your style." What are your dangerous "soft spots" with men? Have a heart to heart with close friends and family. Share your feelings about your marriage and about yourself in it. Be up front, and ask for their opinions.
If you're looking for Prince Charming, why don't you become Princess Observant? Learn to focus on men who fit into your positive self-concept.
When you've done your homework and are ready for the "big time," know there is safety in numbers--date more than one person, give yourself time, and allow friendships to develop. You may also want to avoid rushing to the bedroom. Sometimes "getting it on" may be putting him and a blossoming relationship off.
See The Woman's Comfort Book (Harper San Francisco, 1992) by Jennifer Louden. Jennifer wrote this book after the breakup of a five-year relationship and the realization that attending to her needs was the fastest route to wholeness.
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