Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert

I had a bad marriage and later an engagement that ended when my fiance went for cigarettes and never came back! I've been in a relationship with a wonderful, caring, and understanding man for just over a year. However, I still feel that at any time, the whole thing could end. How do I quit torturing myself and him in the process? --J.

Dear J.,

Your marriage and broken engagement helped to cement your ability to not trust others or your own judgement when picking partners. But the roots of your lack of trust probably go deeper than these two events!

Look to Your Childhood: Intimate relationships create vulnerabilities. Your childhood relationships with family may have come back to haunt you now--an angry word or negative action can reactivate what I call "emotional scar tissue." We develop defense mechanisms to help us cope. In some cases, defenses do protect us, or we wouldn't use them, but in your case, they weaken your present relationship.

A defense you seem to use is "I know you'll abandon me, so go ahead and do it." You're aware of how damaging and self-fulfilling this mechanism can be, and that's why you wrote. Solving your problem will take time and commitment from both you and your partner if he's willing (this would certainly be a test of his commitment to you and your relationship). Next: Action Steps for Recovery >

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