Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert

I care for my wife of 30 years, but I don't feel passion for her anymore. It's like I'm making love to my sister. Recently, I met a female penpal that I have been communicating with. A simple touch from her has created sparks for me. I don't want to hurt my wife but I crave the feeling of love and passion. --C.

Dear C.,

You're alive, your senses are intact--be prepared, you could be attracted to another person. We humans are not totally monogamous, but slightly polygamous. So the attraction you feel, your "30 year itch," is not that uncommon.

All marriages have their hills and valleys of contentment in and out of the bedroom. In long-term marriages, the equation can often be that familiarity plus routine equals boredom. When this happens our antennas can be alert for "others." And the possibilities are enormous for meeting potential new love objects--working, socializing, the Internet. But beware, infidelity comes at a very high price to your marriage--shattered trust and feelings of betrayal are just some of the negatives. Boundaries need to be created.

To keep your feelings secret will only intensify them. You need to talk--have a heart-to-heart with your wife. Take responsibility for your feelings and work towards fulfilling your needs. Think of it this way: your marriage has lasted for almost 30 years, you have been through a lot and been able to work things out; trust that history, it can serve you well now! You might try saying, "I'm the kind of person who...(needs to feel love and make love)." Followed by, "I'm feeling...(the excitement and passion are at a low point now). I need...(us to put some excitement, surprise, and pizzazz) into our marriage." Laying out the truth of what you need is more potent than the candlelight dinners and romantic interludes you have tried, which are too soft a sell for what you're really after--turning up the flames in your relationship and turning sister back to loving wife.

In your talk you should "model" an example of honest sharing of feelings. Then, encourage your wife to do the same and LISTEN. You could also try a relationship review where you go back to the early years and remind each other what turned you on. Engage in some self-search. What can you do individually that would supply you with inlets and outlets for your passionate, loving nature? Maybe it's poetry, providing time and caring for under-privileged kids, getting out in nature, or singing. There are multitudes of choices--going down the slippery slope of an affair is NOT the only road to expressing your deepest needs.

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