Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert

Dear Dr. Betty,

My husband and I have been fighting a lot since our last child grew up and started her own life with her new husband. I don't know how to manage the drastic and sudden change in our domestic situation. I feel bereft; he feels relieved and a new sense of freedom to pursue his own interests. My emotions are kind of out there flapping around, and he's not very sympathetic. We're simply going in opposite directions right now and it's no fun. Any suggestions? --E.

Dear E.,

Just 12 percent of a typical adult woman's life is devoted to active mothering, but think of how much of yourself you have poured into it. Aside from experiencing some joys, you have displayed an extraordinary capacity to cope with frustration, to balance your needs with the unpredictable needs of your children, and to tolerate anxiety and dread about their safety--to name a few! That's a big, defining role you've played. Whoosh--after high school or a marriage, they're gone. And you? You are left with an empty nest and an empty space in your life and your marriage.

Your domestic situation has changed because the clouds of buffering material have evaporated with your daughter's leaving, and you and your husband are now really facing each other. He may be gazing at you with that "get a life" look and, you're asking "where?" Join the crowd--you're in a midlife transition, when being in a "nowhere place" is par. Have faith, you will move on.

Are you the Eternal Mom whose life continues to be child-centered? Are you the Mourner Mom who moves on with life but just goes through the motions? If so, look at adopting more roles. Think about work, volunteering where your interests lie, or going back to school. Practice self-assertion--the right to ask for what you want; the right to say yes or no.

Your husband sounds like the Relieved Dad. His goal may have been to get your daughter grown, independent, and out of the house. He's happy and pursuing his own interests. Pursue some of your own and see his attitude change to one of interest in more togetherness. Men enjoy women who are self-starters. Learn to relax, play, enjoy sensual pleasures, and plan on making some long lost dreams and goals a reality.

Opportunities for romance, sex, humor, and fun are the prescription, so start with these and surprise him. Even if your heart is not in it at first, acting "as if" can help your feelings eventually change. Let your husband know he's appreciated--make his favorite breakfast and serve it in bed. Get him tickets to his favorite sporting event. Let him know he's sexy and desirable with a full body massage. Or, dedicate an erotic poem to him. [Editor's note: Why not send him a love coupon.] Now that he's pleasantly surprised, talk and share more things each of you would like to do with the other. And be patient--you are probably 18 to 20 years out of practice.

Now you can become Grower Mom, letting go of your kids with love and becoming actively involved in searching for new roles to fit your interests and new ways to revive your marriage.

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