Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert

Dear Dr. Betty,

I am so blessed to have 20 years of a comforting, fun, well-oiled relationship. The men and women I know who have been divorced and remarried have lost something in having to start over. Do you have any words of wisdom to help people understand how marriage can become better and better, rather than a holding pattern for people too tired to switch or too afraid of losing the security of a known thing? --M.

Dear M.,

You're right--you are blessed to have such a great marriage. Oh, that the rest of us could have the same good fortune! I'm not saying it's just the luck of the draw--a thriving marriage takes a lot of commitment, hard work, and maturity.

To make our marriages the fulfilling relationships we all want, we can first start out with a "this relationship is so important to me that I will do everything I can to make it work" attitude. Then, with that in place, follow these suggestions:

Talk and listen. Dedicate time, regularly, for a marital checkup. Take an inventory of where your relationship has been and where you want it to go, and express your wants and needs.

Nurture each other. With our busy, stressful midlives, we need our partner's support, caring, and validation more than ever. Take "small moments" at the start of the day to ask, "What are you doing today?" or "How are you feeling?" Give your spouse a kiss, a hug, a mile-wide smile to give him or her that "I'm special" feeling.

Have fun. To avoid routine and boredom, brainstorm ways to put adventure, excitement, and surprise into the marital mix. For example, try creating a kooky recipe together or exploring a new area of town.

Be flexible and accept. Midlife is a time for change. Let go of the need to mold your spouse to your ideal and of the idea that differences are intolerable. Successful couples don't fuss over the small stuff.

Improve sex and intimacy. Have a Sexual Review. Talk about how you have both changed and what you want now--and don't forget to experiment.

Reach out beyond your coupledom. Bring positive, fun-loving, nurturing people into your lives. Try this: On paper, make a list of friends and relatives who give you positive, fun, and supportive feelings. Next, create a wish list of relationships that you would like but don't have. Now, discuss how to make them happen. Finally, plan how you will include at least two of these "positive" individuals in your lives each week.

Share your advice: Your name:

Have a question for Dr. Betty? Ask it here
Missed a week? Find past Q&A's here
Back to Dr. Betty intro
Please read our disclaimer