Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert

1. Criticism
When we criticize we attack our partner's personality or character: "You never do anything right." Criticism often involves blame and can escalate so that spouses get into a criticize/blame cycle.

Strategy: Complain, which is more specific and limited to the situation at hand: "I am upset because you picked me up late." Complaining can be a healthy way to let off steam, while criticizing is a personal attack.

2. Contempt
The next step down the negative spiral is contempt, which differs from criticism in that the intent is to insult and psychologically abuse your spouse. Along with these actions are thoughts such as: "she/he's so inept, foolish, detestable." Hostile humor, name-calling, and mockery are examples of this behavior.

Strategy: Remove blame from your comments; use "I" statements to say how you feel; beware of criticizing; complain instead and be direct and specific; don't insult, mock, or use sarcasm.

3. Defensiveness
Can defensiveness be far behind? You each deny responsibility, make excuses, and whine, "It isn't my fault, why are you picking on me?"

Strategy: Focus on the positives in your spouse--validate her or him. Although this is difficult when you feel so much negativity, acting "as if" you have good feelings can have surprising results. The more you perform an action, the more it becomes part of your feeling state. List all the qualities that attracted you to your spouse initially. Read the list several times a day. Say it out loud to remind yourself. These positives may soon creep into your feelings and attitudes.

4. Stonewalling
Finally stonewalling comes into play. When the arguing is too intense one partner may just shut down--become a stone wall and not react at all. Stonewalling signals feelings of disapproval, smugness, and superiority. Eighty-five percent of stonewallers are men, who become more physiologically overwhelmed with tension than women. Shutting down is a protective device for them.

Strategy: With your partner, agree to take a time out when the topic gets too heated. Calm down, take a deep breath, and soothe yourself. Listen to music, leave the room, take a walk, write something, or exercise.

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