Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert

I was married for 28 years before we separated. I have two grown children and have been seeing another man for about one year. I can't say I'm in love with him but we spend a lot of time together and he fills my loneliness. I see my husband every week and we still love each other. He lives with another woman but is depressed. We've talked about getting back together, but I'm uneasy about it. I don't want to hurt the man I'm with because he treats me like a queen, but there is still something missing. I need guidance but no one wants to listen to my problems. What should I do? --L.

Dear L.,

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Life does give us choices--and sometimes that makes things more difficult.

It would be worth your while to look at why "no one wants to listen to my problems." Maybe you're engaging in "yes, buts." A friend may say that your man friend is very nice and you may reply, "Yes, but I don't really love him." Another may suggest that you try getting back together with your ex as you still love him and you may reply, "Yes, but he's not well, he gets depressed, I love him but..."

There is no winning with a "yes but-er." It frustrates those around you--and certainly you, too.

Another point that stands out in your question is your mention of loneliness. Is it possible you are looking to fill yourself up with someone else's presence? You married young. Soon after your divorce you met another man. Have you had time to develop yourself, to explore your independence, your likes and talents? Instead of either/or (your man friend or your husband), consider spending time developing your inner resources. Pursue activities that have always attracted you--those you've never given time to. Join organizations that appeal to you; you'll be doing things you love and will meet new and interesting people. Open up your life!

Surprises may await you. When you explore and realize your potential to take care of yourself, choices and decisions come to you more easily--and you'll be able to make them from a position of strength.

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