Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert

I am married but have been having an affair with a married man for two years. He told me I needed to cover up my feelings like he did. He's considering taking a job in another city. When he told me this, he had a questioning look in his eyes. I've decided not to let him know how I feel. I'm afraid to tell him; I'm not his wife and feel it is their decision, not mine. My normal way of handling something like this is to sidestep and hope for the best. Am I right or wrong; what should I do? --B.

Dear B.,

Ah, what games we mortals play! Your mind game seems to go like this--"I'm married but I want to have an affair. I'm not sure how I feel about what I'm doing, the relationship with this man, or what I want from it. If I don't reveal my feelings and keep myself confused, then I won't have to make any decisions or take responsibility for what happens. Maybe the situation will just go away--then I'll know I haven't done anything wrong, and anyway, maybe I don't deserve to have anyone love me."

Keeping ourselves in a confused state helps us avoid taking responsibility for our actions. It gives us a false sense of safety, of not getting turned down or hurt. But as you well know, trouble looms around the bend. Are you playing similar games in your marriage? Why are you having this affair? What is the "best" you are hoping for? Do you feel you have the right to know and ask for what you want and need from your lover and especially from your husband? Next: Examine Your Options >

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