Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert

My husband of 43 years had a 17-year affair with a woman 20 years younger. It was only a friendship for 15 years before it became sexual, which only happened once. He ended it two years later. She was determined to get him divorced, so she wrote me a letter detailing those 17 years. I know it's over and I have stayed, but I still have ill feelings towards him every so often. Is this normal? He said he never wanted divorce, he wants our marriage to work, and he only considered her a friend to talk to. Any thoughts? --M.

Dear M.,

You have been betrayed and had it rubbed in your face by the OW (other woman). That is very painful. Your husband didn't just stray--he went on a 17-year affair trip! Even though they didn't have sex until the last two years, for 15 years they were intimate; sharing feelings and ideas can be more intimate than intercourse. When a spouse develops strong emotional ties to another, that is a major danger sign for a marriage and it is considered an affair--period!

Unfortunately, affairs are common. Experts say as many as one third of all marriages endure infidelity and that after it's disclosed, 72 percent of spouses choose to stay. Science also gets into the act. Evolutionary psychologists say we're designed to fall in love but not to stay there. Their message--monogamy is not natural.

In reality, some damage to trust and safety in the relationship is permanent. No matter what you do, there will always be that little doubt gnawing at you. What your husband fears is that he will never be forgiven, while you are afraid of never feeling safe, never trusting again.
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