Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert

I had a prostate operation that didn't get all the cancer so I have to take Lupron every four months, which has decreased my sex drive. I have a special lady and we were planning on marriage. I now feel it would be unfair to her to be stuck with me when I'm not able to function sexually. She says it doesn't matter. I have tried the injections--they work but are very unpleasant. I suggested that I could stop taking the Lupron and I guess my cancer would come back, but she wouldn't want that, no matter what. What do you think? --B.



Dear B.,

You have been through a difficult time with your prostate cancer and are wincing emotionally from the pain, fear, and diminished sex drive due to medication. Many men share your fear of a penis that won't become erect and think that the ability to please a woman sexually defines "real" manhood. True, you want to enjoy the rest of your life with the woman you love. But, let's get honest here. Beyond all else, she probably wants your love and companionship for many years, together.

Did it occur to you that she truly does not want you to risk your health? (If she did, I would advise you to quickly exit this relationship!) And that maybe her libido is not so hot either? Can you accept that it is you, more than she, who is upset over this issue? You need to come to terms with your condition and understand that you are much more than an erect penis. Then you can focus your life lens and see things from a different perspective. You'll also open up the floodgates to all the love and joy you can experience together.

When pain and loss cloud our view, we have trouble seeing the bright sky of opportunity. Well, you have much opportunity: a woman who doesn't want you to risk further illness just to please her--that's love. And you need this love and intimacy more than ever. In our ThirdAge we cherish this blissful occurrence in our lives; in fact, caring concern may just help arrest or slow down our negative health issues and greatly contribute to our longevity!

You want to marry--great. You can work out many of your problems beforehand. Clarifying what you each want and expect is essential.

Now back to sex.... Sex is not just penis in vagina. With a good attitude, you'll soon learn that sexual response takes place as much between the ears as it does between the legs! Next >

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