Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert

My husband of two years would rather masturbate than make love to me. He either masturbates outside at night or in the shower. I've asked him why he needs to do this all the time, but I don't get answers, just more heartache. I'm thin and somewhat attractive, so what's the problem? --B.

Dear B.,

Self-pleasuring is one of life's sexual, soothing enjoyments. But if your husband is using it as a substitute for sex with you, then his solo act is a warning signal that needs attention.

Why Do It When I'm Here? Are there relationship issues that need addressing? Is your attractiveness the issue? I think not--my guess is we're dealing with his early history. If so, it's a wise move to leave blame and shame behind and focus instead on understanding.

We were all given messages in childhood about what it means to touch yourself "down there." For some, it was a dirty little act that felt good but had major sin written all over it. For others, masturbation was a coping advice that provided comfort and safety. Our experiences and personalities also contributed to our feelings about masturbation.
Next: How to Talk to Your Husband >

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