Ask Dr. Betty Polston, the Midlife Relationships Expert |
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Is My Husband Gay?
There are many clues in my marriage that make me believe that my husband might be homosexual. It has been a constant struggle to get him interested in sex and I have caught him on the Internet looking into gay Web sites and porn. We have children and I am so afraid to leave. I can't get him to admit to anything and counseling, so far, has been ineffective. I feel stuck. Am I nuts for feeling so ambivalent? --K.
Dear K.,
You are in a very difficult situation that occurs more often than you think. About 20 percent of the approximately 2 to 3 million gay men in this country are or have been married.
Be careful: the clues you've found can be misleading. Lack of sexual desire can result from stress, depression, low libido, or another woman! Watching gay porn could hint at a real interest in homosexuality, but try not to stereotype certain behaviors as gay or bi-sexual. In any case, your doubts need to be addressed.
Your husband's reluctance to "admit to anything" is an understandable response. If he is gay, he could be very scared of coming out. Guilt, as well as fears of a ruined marriage, family break-up, job embarrassment, or a negative community reaction could be running through his mind. He may also worry that, if he admits his homosexuality to you, you will not emotionally support him, listen to him, or explore options together. Will you hang in there to sort things out?
Now there is the power of "the secret" that dominates your lives. You need to shine a light on it and move forward.
Next: Go After the Truth >
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