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Q&A This Week
My husband confessed his affair to me last August, but things are currently better than ever. Unfortunately, I now seem to want to make the other woman's life miserable. I do not want to physically harm her, just to tell her parents and everyone at her workplace what a tramp she is.
How can I get over this anger at her for backstabbing me? I've thought about some outside counseling, but feel it is unnecessary because of my religious beliefs. I cannot seek counseling with my pastor, because he is my father. Any suggestions? --T.
Cathy says:
Yes. Don't do anything to her! Your actions will come back to haunt you. And with things better than ever between you and your husband, you have too much to lose.
First, realize that your feelings of anger are normal. Anger can be empowering in situations where we feel we have no control. Anger also buffers us from loss: in your case, the loss of trust from the hurt and pain of betrayal.
Beware, however, that anger can also cover up feelings of helplessness, like being unable to keep this woman from your husband.
So take charge of your anger. Don't feed it by thinking about her, and stop personalizing the affair as a direct attack on you. Intention and impact are two different things. Revenge intends to hurt someone; affairs, although painful in their impact, typically aren't committed with that in mind.
Focus on the positives in your life and in your relationship. See the affair for what it has given you and your husband. (Remember, you won!) Learn from her mistake, and don't hurt others. Take the higher road.
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