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Q&A This Week
My husband and I have been married for nine years but don't have children. From the beginning of our relationship, he has felt more toward me than I have toward him. I hoped my feelings would have grown over the years, but they haven't. It is hurting him to be with me and see that something is missing for me. Do I stay with him knowing I feel more of a surface love than a deep love and don't feel the excitement with him? --S.
Steve says:
You know what you need to do, you're just looking for permission to do it. Permission granted. Follow your heart and get on with your journey. Your mission in life is to find love and the excitement that comes with being in love.
Sure, it won't be fireworks forever. The research is clear: Passion tends to fade over time, especially for women. But you never had it to begin with, and that's where you (and your husband) are hurting. You're at a crossroads. Do you have the courage to be who you've become? Or do you retreat to the safe harbor of who you've been up to now.
Our three C's of a successful relationship are chemistry, commitment and communication. It all begins with chemistry, which isn't just the genital gymnastics of a relationship, but what the philosopher Bertrand Russell described as a similarity of values as well.
Without chemistry, commitment is built upon sand. Communication also comes up short, for although good communication keeps a relationship vibrant and alive, in your case, after you clear away the weeds, you still don't have much of a rose garden.
The good news: You don't have kids. If you did, I'd probably do a 180 on you and say work on your marriage. For the research is fairly consistent -- divorce is hazardous to a child's emotional development.
You're two adults. No harm, no foul. Yes, the next year or two will be difficult for your husband. But even he will be better off later down the line. There's a time to renew your relationship at midlife and a time to renew your individual lives at midlife. Your heart knows the answer. It's time to listen, and to act.
Next: Cathy Says >
Steve Says/Cathy Says/Bottom Line/Members Say/Intro
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