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Q&A This Week
In the past 10 years, I have been involved in two affairs ... It is hard to forget and I have the strong desire to leave the area and start over in a new area. However, my husband does not agree. We are now working to rebuild our marriage. Do you have any advice and tips to help us get through this tough time? --J.
Cathy says:
I wouldn't recommend a geographic cure for what ails you. Two affairs in 10 years says to me that you might be seeking substance and solace outside yourself. Now you want to move, hoping that will stop either the longing, frustration or dissatisfaction you experience in your life.
How do you manage your day-to-day living, like your work, friendships, family life and leisure activities? Sometimes we hope to be distracted from boring or difficult tasks by looking for new or more rewarding activities. Affairs can add spice and distraction. You might want to search for more practical and less disruptive ways to change or maintain your lifestyle and marriage.
Take a look at what you want out of life, make a list and prioritize it. Now cross out the items that are unrealistic. (They might be reasonable, but not realistic.) Then separate the list into two columns -- those within your control and those beyond your control. Narrowing a list of wants in this manner can improve the odds of getting some of your needs met. Look at the items that are realistic, under your control and a top priority -- then give yourself permission to go after them.
If your husband knows about the affairs, he might need information on a regular basis about where you are and details about the relationships. This can rebuild trust in your marriage, but it can also be particularly trying.
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