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Q&A This Week
My husband is paranoid about money. We each have our own bank accounts, life insurance, profit sharing, etc. I have no problem with this, but he won't tell me how much he has or what he owns. Everything else is wonderful in my second marriage. His former wife hid their money and took checks without telling him. But I make a good salary and have never given him a reason to mistrust me. Is this a sign that there is a problem with intimacy here? -- S.
Steve says:
For the most part, let it go. You're hitting everything else out of the park as a couple, so your batting average is excellent. Even the best ballplayers only get on base three of every ten times.
Yes, it's a problem with intimacy, but an understandable and small one. We all react to one-alarm blazes as if they were four-alarm fires, depending upon our unique insults and traumas we suffered in life.
He was burned before in this area, so it's not unusual that he's distrusting when it comes to money. Don't take it personally, cut him some slack and give him time. You may yet earn his trust.
That said, I'd still write him a letter. Let him know that you understand why he's sensitive about money, and that you don't intend to push him beyond his comfort zone.
But explain why you need to know at least some of where he stands financially so you can plan for the future, especially in the event that he dies before you do (which is usually the case). Also reassure him that unlike his first wife, you don't want access to his money. You just need a rough outline of his financial story, not chapter and verse.
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