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By Pamela Hill Nettleton
Have engagements outlived their usefulness? Is the idea of an engagement outdated? These days, why not just fly to Vegas and be married by Elvis tomorrow?
Though the historic roots and original etiquette of a traditional engagement can feel irrelevant these days, there are solid reasons why you ought to be engaged for more than 48 hours. (After all, even home buyers get three days in most states to reconsider their decision!) Most obviously, your family could use a little time to get used to the idea of your impending nuptials. And your children -- whether they're adult or school-age -- will need time to get accustomed to the idea of a stepparent.
Here are answers to often-asked questions about modern engagements.
Q: Why not just get married tomorrow?
A: While eloping or marrying quickly sounds like fun, the idea could backfire. If they're left out of the fun and festivities, your family members may be upset. If you've been married before and have children, they won't appreciate getting an instant stepparent. And, if you're the stepparent, marrying without an engagement period is a mistake you may end up paying for in therapist fees for the next decade.
Q: What is the point of an engagement?
A: One of the original reasons for an engagement was to give the couple time to get to know one another. Arranged marriages and formal courting practices didn't exactly foster knowing your partner's true personality before you signed on the dotted line.
Though courtship has certainly changed dramatically -- putting emotional and physical intimacy on the fast track -- any couple could benefit from a few months of spending even more time together before the ink dries on a marriage license. There's something to be said for weathering the announcing, relative-meeting and household-blending that have to happen before marriage. If your relationship can survive all that stuff, you two probably have a pretty good chance of making the marriage work!
Another good reason for an engagement: It takes time to plan a wedding.
Q: How long should an engagement last?
A: Long enough for your immediate family to get to know your future spouse and begin to welcome him or her into the family. If one or both of you have children who live with you, plan on extra time, or at least make the most of your time by letting them discover just what's so lovable about your new partner.
Q: How long is the average engagement?
A: When my husband and I announced our wedding date (we were both 40), my mother asked, "What's the rush?" My husband replied, "We don't have a lot of
time left to waste!"
Though the truth is not quite that dour, couples in their 40s, 50s and 60s are the group that gets to the altar the quickest once the question has been popped. When the marriage isn't a first marriage, an engagement usually averages three to six months.
However, when either party has children that still live with him or her, this is a less-than-ideal length. In reality, you probably need more time to get everyone in the family used to the idea.
If it's possible, once you know that marriage is on the horizon, bring the children fully into the picture and give them both group and one-on-one opportunities to get to know your partner. By the same token, give your partner's children opportunities to get to know you.
Once the children feel secure, each of you should bring up marriage with your own children and let them share their happy and sad feelings with each of you. Then you'll be ready to make the marriage plans together as a family-to-be.
Depending on how long you've known each other, you may already have a head start on this process and won't need as much time, but nine to 12 months isn't unreasonable. If you want a short engagement, dedicate a portion of your pre-engagement dating time to bringing the kids into the picture. Nothing else you do will be more important to your new marriage's success and survival.
When both parties are marrying for the first time and want a big wedding with all the trimmings, six months is the minimum recommended engagement length. Wedding planners prefer that -- at a minimum -- to put together a fairly formal wedding, reception and honeymoon. It can be done in less time, but the stress level rises proportionally. So, if you can, slow down and have more fun. Most first-time couples take six months to a year for their engagement.
Pamela Hill Nettleton is the author
of Getting Married When It's Not
Your First Time (William Morrow & Co, 2001), a wedding and etiquette guide. She has written on marriage, fidelity,
relationships and single parenting for "Redbook" and other magazines.
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